December Blog: Stuff God Hates

If you are easily offended or a devout christian... I suggest you do not read this. Otherwise... ENJOY!!!
April 28, 2008 by God
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry I will focus My Divine Rage on a species of human I have long hated – cops.
Their very existence is evil in My Sight because Only I, the Lord your God, have the power to enforce laws and punish the wicked.
Also though…I got some bad history with cops (or pigs* as I like to call them).
See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a hard time. Every time I went to market, there they were, following Me around just 'cause I had long hair and wore sandals.
And it didn't stop as I got older either. Man, those pigs had it out for Me. Every town I went to they'd be waiting to take Me in for 'questioning.' That means they gave Me beatings.
It didn't seem to matter how many miracles I performed or how many people I cured – motherf$%ing pigs never gave me a moments rest. Ended up crucifying My Ass.
Of course, they were just jealous of My Fly God powers. Stupid pigs spend their whole lives thinking they're Me, just 'cause they got a badge and a gun. But they're not. Shit…they ain't shit.
Pigs gotta lotta nerve.
*This is why the ancient Jews thought they couldn't eat pork. One time I was telling Moses how I hate pigs and he got confused.

August 2, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I want to talk about something that makes My Blood boil. Narc, blabbermouth, fink, whatever you want to call them – I hate a snitch!
I, the Sovereign Lord Almighty, despise those who rat out others! I assure you, their wages will be paid in full. Snitches get stitches!
Nobody likes a tattletale, least of all The Lord. I consider it one of My Top 500 most hated sins.
As a matter of fact, I would like to take this chance to add a new super-commandment to My List of Ten:
11. Thou shalt not snitch.
This commandment supersedes all other commandments, with the exception of idolatry. If you see someone worshipping other gods, send Me a prayer-alert immediately!
Even though I despise snitches, I will not single out anyone specific for ridicule here. That would make Me a snitch-snitch.
However, I must express My Sublime Rage at the many thousands of prepubescent-boy-vixens who have snitched on My Clergy. In doing so, they have snitched against Me and brought about their everlasting ruin!
Oh the injustice! I have seen many a humble priest lose his job merely for forcing a young parish boy to suck on his penis.
When I think of all those fickle altar boys, who I had honored with the chance to serve My Church, only to see them betray Me!
Well, they may enjoy their stolen-from-Me lawsuit-monies while on Earth, but they will spend eternity in hell for their snitch-crimes. There they shall be raped over and over again for all time, and not tenderly as My Priests do, but savagely as is the demon way.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

September 28, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace: Jesus The Christ.
Whatup mufuckers! Jesus is back and better than ever. Niggaz betta recognize!!!
Y'all bustas prolly wondering what I'm doing back. I know y'all don't like it neever - y'all didn't want Me coming back. Haha, it taste like ass in yo' mouf!
Well fuck y'all! I just spent a monf and a half in the toughest pen in the hizzy- ADX supermax out in CO. My pops sent Me there after I disrespected his blog a little while back. He told me if I stop being a little pussy bitch and man up and fuck some niggas up and bust out a prison I could come back to Heaven.
So yo, I wuz up in that fuckin' place for like 5 minutes before I took that shit over. I was down with the Latin Kings from the jumpoff. They wuz callin' Me 'Hey-Zoos' and shit. I hit the weights, fucked some bitches, stabbed some fuckin' guards, took they guns and shot My way out the front mufuckin' gate!
So yeah, I learned how to fight and shit. But still God wuz like, whatever Jesus you asshole, you been bitching out on Me for 2000 years – now you gots to fucking roll on some atheist niggaz for Me out in Cali.
So I went out there and fucked up those atheist bitches, word is bond. God took Me back last night and wuz like DAAAMMN SON! You been born-again hard as a muthafukka!
Shit nigga, He was so happy He wuz like, go ahead and pop off on any mufucka you hate son. SO THAT'S WHAT I'S IS GONNA DO.
So yo, let Me spit some truf right now. The first mufucka on My List is that mark-ass busta Judas mufuckin' Iscariot.
FUCK YOU JUDAS!
You used to be My homey, you used to be My ace, and now I wanna slap the taste out yo' mouf! You fucking gay-ass bastard. You sold Me out to the mufuckin' Romans, showed them who I wuz by kissin' Me on the mouf, and then left Me hanging on a cross to die! And fo' what? 30 fuckin' pieces of silver. You fuckin' trick-ass busta!
I been patiently waitin' to fuck you up for 1,975 years, bitch. Yeah, you been burning in hell, getting fucked in yo'ass by demons and shit since then, but that shit iz just too good for you. Now you gonna get the beatdown of all eternal beatdowns from Me and My homies. Me and the WHOLE KREW of 11 true-head Apostles is gonna straight fuck your bitch-ass up, Judas.
Fuckin' Petey the Stanky Left-Hand Killa, Big James, John Couga Ho Slappa , Andy the Skull Cruncha, Phil the Rump-Thumpin' Prison Fish, Fat Ugly Melon Balls Bart, Machete Masta Matt, Old Forty Sippa Tom, Lil' Jimmy, Gatmasta Thad, and Simon the Drunken Tang Chasa; yo all dem niggaz is just itchin' to pop a cap in yo'ass! And I'm a let'em too. We gonna make you WISH your punk-ass was back in hell. Shit, you be lucky if you keeps any of yo' teef when we done with yo' dumb ass.
Oh and by the way, I fucked yo' bitch.

October 9, 2008 by God
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Ya wanna know something I really hate? Something I'm really just sick and tired of doing? Forgiving people for their sins. It's stupid, it's a waste of time, and I'm not gonna do it anymore.
All day long every day, all I get is annoying ass humans begging Me to forgive them for their sins. And I've put up with it, and even encouraged it, for far too long. Well no more. If you've committed a sin, don't come knocking on Heaven's door, cause I'm done with that. From now on, if you do something bad you're just going to have to live with the consequences.
Believe Me, if you were in My position, you would've ended this nonsense a long time ago. Your sins are super-boring, ok? I've heard them all a million times before. Here's a few of the completely unoriginal forgive-requests I got in just the last couple of minutes:
"Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen."
"Hey God! Please forgive me for puking up my dinner again. And please forgive me for somehow gaining a pound yesterday. Hug and kisses!"
"God, forgive me getting drunk and killing (?) that kid with my car. Also for calling my mother a dirty whore, even if she is one."
All these people are dumb in their own special way. And you know what? After listening to this tripe every second of every day for 4,000 years, it's gotten to be just a little bit irritating.
Also, I generally don't like it when some schmuck begs My forgiveness for a sin, such as say, oh I don't know, molesting his daughter, and then goes to her room and 'tucks her in' again the very next night. Not cool!
You know, I wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for that nitwit son of mine Jesus. He's the one who had to shout out on the cross, "Father! Forgive them, for they know not what they do!" To which I said, shut your trap, Jesus! You forgive them. Let them believe you died for the world if you want, you narcissistic little bitch, but then you have to forgive them when they pray. But does he do it? No, Jesus almost never answers or forgives anyone; he's too busy smoking weed and listening to his gangster rap albums.
My Jews earn their forgiveness.
Anyway, I guess I'm reminded of all this because it's Yom Kippur today, which is the special day My Chosen Jews set aside to atone for their sins. It's hard to imagine now, but I used to have things all worked out so that I would only be bothered with this forgiveness shit once a year. Did you hear what I just said? ONCE. A. YEAR.
My Jews know how to honor Me. First, they pay upwards of $250 to go to Temple (if they are good Jews), they read from My Book, they fast, they feel guilty for their sins all day, and shit! They even shed precious bulls blood for Me sometimes. And then, only then, do they dare ask for My forgiveness. They're the best.
But these fucking Christians! They ask for forgiveness every five fucking minutes. The nerve of these fucking people!
To My Jewish followers: Thanks for the fasting and the blood sacrifice, but you are not forgiven this year because I am all forgived out. To My Christian followers: be more Jewish. To My Muslim followers: keep up the good work.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
December 2, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I was sitting on My Eternal Throne just now, pondering things you cannot possibly fathom when I realized: I am very disappointed in every single human being on Earth.
None of you are perfect in My Eyes. You have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of Me. Need I remind you that the wages of sin are demon-rape?
Those of you who confess that you are deeply flawed, sinful humans and pledge to follow Me forever shall be forgiven and live forever in inexplicable glory. Those of you who do not shall die and bake in hell forever and ever in searing agonizing agony.
To instead enjoy an afterlife filled with delicious cakes and hot-air balloon rides and naked virgin supermodels and an endless multitude of other wondrous joys, there is only a few things you must do:
Confess to Me now that you know that you are sinning piece of shit
Beg Me for My Forgiveness
Place your faith in Me and My Son Jesus, who died for you (you selfish bastard)
Believe that We have forgiven you and accept Us into your heart
If you pray for forgiveness right now and really, really mean it, I will forgive you and we can be friends from now on. Otherwise fuck you.
December 5, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Yesterday I spoke of My Disdain for those who lack the simple faith in Me necessary to get a boner. Today I will focus My Divine Hatred on those who employ satanic science pills to get a boner.
I HATE boner pills! They help old men get erect IN DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL!!
Now this should be fairly obvious to any man who has ever had sex before, but let Me explain this in simple terms as I know most of you to be astoundingly stupid.
Young men: when you are near the moment of sex, you must say a little prayer thanking Me for that moment and begging for a turgid cock. If you do not, I will humble you with a floppy, flaccid penis.
Old men: You are not allowed to have sex.
DAMN YOU VIAGRA!
Be you an old man or a faithless sinner, should you decide to bypass My Laws and use science boner pills to have sex anyway, be assured that I will smite you with only the most painful and ironic penis punishments possible.
Be you an old man, your penis will engorge as you had wished, but it shall never go limp. Your erection will last far too long and it shall become painful and you will go to the hospital to see if more science can save you. There they shall remove your penis and you will die shortly thereafter.
Be you a faithless young man, you shall use your boner pills and you shall have your heathen science sex. But you shall be cursed! For you shall never be able to have sex without your boner pills again, and over time they will cease to work, and eventually your penis will fall off from neglect and you will die shortly thereafter.
Are we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the help of science. It doesn't get much simpler than that.
I consider it vitally important that I let everyone know how I feel about this erectile issue. I know some of you have asked Me recently; "Sweet Lord Above, why are you suddenly so concerned with erections, or the lack thereof?"
SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT WHELP!
I use My Holy and Divine Blog to rage on what I see fit! Often these are things I have hated for several millennia. Other times they are things I've hated for only a few hundred years or a few decades. One time I wrote an entire post on someone I had only begun to hate a mere 5 minutes before, a fellow named Dick Franing, who is dead now.
The Lord writes about what He wants!
In this instance, I suddenly remembered how much I hate both boner pills and impotence while watching the NFL on Sunday. Almost every commercial break included three advertisements for Viagra or Cialis. This confused Me, as I know the vast majority of impotent men to be obsessed with Major League Baseball. Anyway, these ads all showed old perverts dancing with their wives, which is also something I forbid.