Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service:
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Pasco police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Pasco by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them teens) on my road just about 3 houses away. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout my entire home. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of trash and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the garbage cans. One of them has found a saw and is going to town on a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the gallon of gasoline that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating my kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably a night when I just want to rest) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ma'am -
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by teenagers playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Watch Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards-
#387
Community Watch Officer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear #387
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Pasco Police Department and rest assured that I will forward these details to McGruff (the crime fighting dog) for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community watch officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the 3 or so years I have lived in Pasco, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a hand washing station? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by Lara Croft.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Pasco such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these *twats* (For lack of a better word) that they might want to play their strange Soccer game elsewhere?
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on my cell. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, keep trying, as I do for you.
My Regards-
Jess
4.4.09
Toad Tap Dance
Toad Tap Dance
While doing some spring cleaning last year, I came across a tiny toad, that for sake of this post, (and the toads family...) I have cleverly changed his name to 'frog-miester'. For those readers that know me particularly well you may or may not have heard me talk about him from time to time.
Over the past year, I have repeatedly saved him from my terribly mean cat Scootahs' clutches and the massive swirly of the pool filter.
I have been feeding him cat food and ants. (I do not even know if toads eat such things, but he seemed like he liked them)
Everyday, at around the same time, frog-meister would come to visit me. There were times he hopped into my house and I would find him eating (well sitting and looking like he was eating) directly out of my cats bowl. (This toad definitley had a death wish, BTW) Over time he grew larger and larger, until he looked like a pretty big sized toad. (Must have been all the cat food) I'm not even sure of what a toads lifespan may be or whether or not this was even the same toad, but for my sanity and the purpose of this post running smoothly we will say it was. I became rather attached to this little wart ridden mongrel, it got to the point if I didnt see him by 10 o'clock, I would promptly check the pool filter to see if he was in there swirling around. (It always seemed like I'd just get there in the nick of time!) One time he actually PISSED on me after I saved him, but I figured this was just his way of saying "thank you" and HEY, we're friends...so I let it slide.
Anyway - the past few weeks my roommates and I have been doing some massive cleaning on the pool, trying to get it ready for summer.. So last night I go outside to check on the status of the filter... (I wanted to make sure it didnt need to be cleaned)(Keep in mind it was horrendously dark and I was using the dim light of my cell phone to find my way around) ..when I feel something sort of like a rock but softer underneath my foot.
My heart sank.
Knowing what might have occured, I scurried back inside trying to block the mental picture out of my brain. I didnt have the balls to go back outside and look at the evidence. I thoroughly hoped I would wake up this morning and see absolutley nothing and then this would all be a horrible trick my tired mind pulled on me.
Not the case.
This morning I wake up and this is what I found...
MAY YOU REST IN PEACE LITTLE BUDDY.
Services will be held this Sunday in my backyard. All neighborhood toads are welcome
While doing some spring cleaning last year, I came across a tiny toad, that for sake of this post, (and the toads family...) I have cleverly changed his name to 'frog-miester'. For those readers that know me particularly well you may or may not have heard me talk about him from time to time.
Over the past year, I have repeatedly saved him from my terribly mean cat Scootahs' clutches and the massive swirly of the pool filter.
I have been feeding him cat food and ants. (I do not even know if toads eat such things, but he seemed like he liked them)
Everyday, at around the same time, frog-meister would come to visit me. There were times he hopped into my house and I would find him eating (well sitting and looking like he was eating) directly out of my cats bowl. (This toad definitley had a death wish, BTW) Over time he grew larger and larger, until he looked like a pretty big sized toad. (Must have been all the cat food) I'm not even sure of what a toads lifespan may be or whether or not this was even the same toad, but for my sanity and the purpose of this post running smoothly we will say it was. I became rather attached to this little wart ridden mongrel, it got to the point if I didnt see him by 10 o'clock, I would promptly check the pool filter to see if he was in there swirling around. (It always seemed like I'd just get there in the nick of time!) One time he actually PISSED on me after I saved him, but I figured this was just his way of saying "thank you" and HEY, we're friends...so I let it slide.
Anyway - the past few weeks my roommates and I have been doing some massive cleaning on the pool, trying to get it ready for summer.. So last night I go outside to check on the status of the filter... (I wanted to make sure it didnt need to be cleaned)(Keep in mind it was horrendously dark and I was using the dim light of my cell phone to find my way around) ..when I feel something sort of like a rock but softer underneath my foot.
My heart sank.
Knowing what might have occured, I scurried back inside trying to block the mental picture out of my brain. I didnt have the balls to go back outside and look at the evidence. I thoroughly hoped I would wake up this morning and see absolutley nothing and then this would all be a horrible trick my tired mind pulled on me.
Not the case.
This morning I wake up and this is what I found...
MAY YOU REST IN PEACE LITTLE BUDDY.
Services will be held this Sunday in my backyard. All neighborhood toads are welcome
Ryde Or Die
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
"Ryde Or Die"
I have been getting hate mail and all kinds of bullshit since switching offices, and I'm fucking OVER IT. I have been nothing but nice to each and every person I have met, and get nothing but shit for it. I opened my heart and been REAL with people, only to have it used against me. I have stuck by people for the the long haul just to get shafted in an instant. You think you know someone, but really, you know nothing at all. God DAMNN I'm pissed. You know I used to be chill and non-confrontational, now I feel like I'm constantly fighting against the grain. Every single fucking day some new bullshit pops up and at this point its just to the point where I just don't even care enough to fucking find out the source. Fuck it. I'm a 'ryde or die bitch' for lack of a better phrase and I expect my friends to be the same. Too bad I cant expect that from anyone anymore. I will stick up for my friends and it doesn't change because one of my other 'friends' hates them, or we get in a Lil fight. It doesn't change cause we spend time apart, or I don't like who they choose as their mate. It doesn't change if we're states away from each other, it DEF doesn't change if they get in trouble..I'm there to help. It doesn't change if they are friends with other people, or per situation. It doesnt change to 'suit me', or to make my life fucking easier, and if I hear something about them each and every person reading this (who knows me) knows DAMN RIGHT I will go to them and ask their side of the story before I develop an opinion of my own. I give everyone a chance. I give them multiple chances actually. If I have a problem with someone, they will KNOW who they are. I won't just walk by with dirty eyes and ignore them completely, then whisper when they walk away. I don't need to go to 50 fucking people and then by the time it gets to that person its blown up out of proportion. I don't have time for that. I don't have time for fucking games. Bottom line, I see where I stand with some, and see where I fell with others.
A 'friend' is someone who another person knows, likes, and trusts. Someone who is allied in a struggle, or cause; a comrade. A person known well to another and regarded with affection and loyalty, an ally in a fight, a patron or supporter, a confidant, a maintainer, sustainer, or upholder, a person who will vouch for you. A friend. LOOK IT THE FUCK UP. Cause seems like a few of us have forgotten what it means to be ryde or die.. PEACE.
BTW- if this offends you.. it's probably because it rings true. You probably think this blog is about YOU. It's not. And in that case... I didn't need you in my life anyway. Kick Rocks.
"Ryde Or Die"
I have been getting hate mail and all kinds of bullshit since switching offices, and I'm fucking OVER IT. I have been nothing but nice to each and every person I have met, and get nothing but shit for it. I opened my heart and been REAL with people, only to have it used against me. I have stuck by people for the the long haul just to get shafted in an instant. You think you know someone, but really, you know nothing at all. God DAMNN I'm pissed. You know I used to be chill and non-confrontational, now I feel like I'm constantly fighting against the grain. Every single fucking day some new bullshit pops up and at this point its just to the point where I just don't even care enough to fucking find out the source. Fuck it. I'm a 'ryde or die bitch' for lack of a better phrase and I expect my friends to be the same. Too bad I cant expect that from anyone anymore. I will stick up for my friends and it doesn't change because one of my other 'friends' hates them, or we get in a Lil fight. It doesn't change cause we spend time apart, or I don't like who they choose as their mate. It doesn't change if we're states away from each other, it DEF doesn't change if they get in trouble..I'm there to help. It doesn't change if they are friends with other people, or per situation. It doesnt change to 'suit me', or to make my life fucking easier, and if I hear something about them each and every person reading this (who knows me) knows DAMN RIGHT I will go to them and ask their side of the story before I develop an opinion of my own. I give everyone a chance. I give them multiple chances actually. If I have a problem with someone, they will KNOW who they are. I won't just walk by with dirty eyes and ignore them completely, then whisper when they walk away. I don't need to go to 50 fucking people and then by the time it gets to that person its blown up out of proportion. I don't have time for that. I don't have time for fucking games. Bottom line, I see where I stand with some, and see where I fell with others.
A 'friend' is someone who another person knows, likes, and trusts. Someone who is allied in a struggle, or cause; a comrade. A person known well to another and regarded with affection and loyalty, an ally in a fight, a patron or supporter, a confidant, a maintainer, sustainer, or upholder, a person who will vouch for you. A friend. LOOK IT THE FUCK UP. Cause seems like a few of us have forgotten what it means to be ryde or die.. PEACE.
BTW- if this offends you.. it's probably because it rings true. You probably think this blog is about YOU. It's not. And in that case... I didn't need you in my life anyway. Kick Rocks.
Me, Myself, and WTF?
Friday, April 03, 2009
Me, Myself, and WTF?
Last night was the finale of "Make Me a Supermodel". Yes, I've spent the last 13 weeks watching this show, which was less like a show and more like a bad accident where I just couldn't turn my head away no matter how grotesque it became.
Like your typical reality program, week by week, one of these stunning, vacuous people was told, "I'm sorry, but America has voted and they do not believe you have what it takes to be a supermodel" and week by week, I spent an hour of my life becoming more and more emotionally invested in Ben's poor run on the catwalk or the fact that "Sarah the skeleton" wasn't living up to her daily commitment to stop eating and exercise more.
Right after they announced the winner, the credits immediately began to roll. It was as though 12 of my best friends, who in real life, would have never given me the time of day, left without even so much as a goodbye. It was so quick and out of nowhere I felt this empty feeling inside me that I had no idea how to fill.
Frozen yogurt? Some fresh pineapple? No, it was too late at night to indulge in anything food related. Sex? Sure, but that would have meant hiring someone and I'm really trying to stick to a budget. What then? What could I have done to make me feel whole again? Would Thursday night every be the same? What was I to do? Turn off the TV? Get a real life? I guess but is there life outside of Ben, Sarah, Perry or Shannon? And what if my Tuesday friends on "The Biggest Loser" found out? Would they be hurt to the point of binge eating? And how about Wednesdays and those hard working folks on Top Chef? Who are they really cooking for? Tom Colicchio or me?
As I sat, leaning against my coffee table in the dark, the only light, the glow from my television, I knew that giving up my TV and getting a life was not going to solve anything. And then, suddenly, clear as the colors on the screen, I had my answer. "I Wanna Be A Dancer" hosted by Elizabeth Berkeley, every Thursday night at ten on the Bravo Channel. Nicole, Nick, Tovah (Collins not Feldshuh), James and best of all, Jessica, a gal just like me only blonder, longer legged, happier and more flexible. Twelve new friends, coming into my home every Thursday, dancing their hearts out, while I sit, watching, my heart racing, wondering, "who will go home this week? Who will be the one at the end of the night, sitting in alone in front of the camera, vowing to the world, "this isn't the last you're going to hear from me" even though both they and I and the entire rest of the world, know, that in fact, it will be.
You know, during the tough times, I've often heard people say that life is a series of one Reality TV show ending and another beginning to air and that our only job is to trust that and go on with our lives, even if, like me, you don't have one.
Me, Myself, and WTF?
Last night was the finale of "Make Me a Supermodel". Yes, I've spent the last 13 weeks watching this show, which was less like a show and more like a bad accident where I just couldn't turn my head away no matter how grotesque it became.
Like your typical reality program, week by week, one of these stunning, vacuous people was told, "I'm sorry, but America has voted and they do not believe you have what it takes to be a supermodel" and week by week, I spent an hour of my life becoming more and more emotionally invested in Ben's poor run on the catwalk or the fact that "Sarah the skeleton" wasn't living up to her daily commitment to stop eating and exercise more.
Right after they announced the winner, the credits immediately began to roll. It was as though 12 of my best friends, who in real life, would have never given me the time of day, left without even so much as a goodbye. It was so quick and out of nowhere I felt this empty feeling inside me that I had no idea how to fill.
Frozen yogurt? Some fresh pineapple? No, it was too late at night to indulge in anything food related. Sex? Sure, but that would have meant hiring someone and I'm really trying to stick to a budget. What then? What could I have done to make me feel whole again? Would Thursday night every be the same? What was I to do? Turn off the TV? Get a real life? I guess but is there life outside of Ben, Sarah, Perry or Shannon? And what if my Tuesday friends on "The Biggest Loser" found out? Would they be hurt to the point of binge eating? And how about Wednesdays and those hard working folks on Top Chef? Who are they really cooking for? Tom Colicchio or me?
As I sat, leaning against my coffee table in the dark, the only light, the glow from my television, I knew that giving up my TV and getting a life was not going to solve anything. And then, suddenly, clear as the colors on the screen, I had my answer. "I Wanna Be A Dancer" hosted by Elizabeth Berkeley, every Thursday night at ten on the Bravo Channel. Nicole, Nick, Tovah (Collins not Feldshuh), James and best of all, Jessica, a gal just like me only blonder, longer legged, happier and more flexible. Twelve new friends, coming into my home every Thursday, dancing their hearts out, while I sit, watching, my heart racing, wondering, "who will go home this week? Who will be the one at the end of the night, sitting in alone in front of the camera, vowing to the world, "this isn't the last you're going to hear from me" even though both they and I and the entire rest of the world, know, that in fact, it will be.
You know, during the tough times, I've often heard people say that life is a series of one Reality TV show ending and another beginning to air and that our only job is to trust that and go on with our lives, even if, like me, you don't have one.
Letter to the 7-11 Manager who added me to the "Banned for LIFE" List
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Letter To The 7-11 Manager Who Added Me To The "Banned for Life" List
Dear 7-11 Manager,
You should really post a sign reading, "Do not drink directly from the nozzle" on your Slurpee machine if that is your store policy.
Thanks,
Jess
Letter To The 7-11 Manager Who Added Me To The "Banned for Life" List
Dear 7-11 Manager,
You should really post a sign reading, "Do not drink directly from the nozzle" on your Slurpee machine if that is your store policy.
Thanks,
Jess
Assault With a Deadly Sausage
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Assault With a Deadly Sausage
Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It's not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the "bow chicka bow bow" song playing in the background.
21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.
It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.
While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage. After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his massive juicy sausage,(I love writing that), he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room.
Instead of attacking Cesar with the meat, Antonio threw Pappy's seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face! This just gets better and better...
Pappy's is made from "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades."
...I bet it is.
Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical
Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, "a dog ate it."
Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.
Assault With a Deadly Sausage
Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It's not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the "bow chicka bow bow" song playing in the background.
21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.
It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.
While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage. After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his massive juicy sausage,(I love writing that), he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room.
Instead of attacking Cesar with the meat, Antonio threw Pappy's seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face! This just gets better and better...
Pappy's is made from "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades."
...I bet it is.
Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical
Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, "a dog ate it."
Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.
Fake ass Friends
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Fake Ass Friends
I been thinking alot as of late. Thinking about decisions Ive made and where they've taken me. Thinking about people I know I now and the ones I left behind. Thinking about how much Ive changed and how Ive forgotten [lost] myself in the midst of everything. Its amazing how one event can trigger such strong emotion and regret, such happiness and sadness, all at the same time. Its crazy how the mind can 'trick' you and strategically 'forget' the things that make you tick. Next thing you know youre just another mindless automaton wandering aimlessly through the days. Confused about who you are and why youre here.. trying to fix the past.. so you can regain what once was.
When I was younger, all I did was dream of a way OUT. Now that Im older, all I can hope for is a way back IN. I thought that moving to Florida and starting fresh in a place where nobody knew me from Adam would change me. I thought it would give me a new beginning. I thought that I could run from everything and forget it ever happened. I thought the mistakes that I made would disappear, I thought I could create something new that was purer, more free, from my tainted life back home.
Now I realize Ive spent the last three years trying to replace what I left behind.
It will never be the same. I came here with my pipe dreams of sunny days and truer people. I came here thinking I could change it all. All I got was hard grass, dead palm trees, white trash crackheads, and fake ass friends. When I was driving here, I thought that Florida was like a constant episode of The Brady Bunch. Actually, I dont know what the fuck I thought, to be honest. I just wanted to get away. Now I just want to get what I had BACK. I miss my friends, I miss the way they knew me. The way I could truly be myself without worrying about perception of others translating into a constant reality. I miss my BOYS, I miss my girls, I miss my CAR. Lol. I miss the trust I had with people, I miss the crazy things we did. I miss my fam. It disturbs me how distant we've become. Superficial conversations and cold gifts on holidays just make my observations that much more of a reality. I wonder if Ive made a huge, huge, HUGE mistake. So huge its not fixable. I miss not being scared to walk down my streets, I miss REAL smiles. I hate these smokescreen glances I throw to make an appearance. I miss TRUE friends. Im so sick of these flighty two faced pieces of shit Florida seems to have a neverending supply of. I miss the MONEY. Sucks when you grow up with everything youve ever wanted and you get it all taken away because you want a change. What a reality check I had when I came out here and found out I actually had to PAY for something on my own. I appreciated nothing. I miss the MUSIC. I miss the CLUBS. Miami is the only place that comes close in this dump. I miss feeling warm and comfortable everywhere I went, instead of cold and unknown. Ugghh. Starting over isnt all its cracked up to be. All I did was move out here with a chance to make it all different and I just keep trying to recreate the same. What a damn shame.
Seriously..What a motherfucking shame.
Sorry, just venting.
Rock$teady.
Fake Ass Friends
I been thinking alot as of late. Thinking about decisions Ive made and where they've taken me. Thinking about people I know I now and the ones I left behind. Thinking about how much Ive changed and how Ive forgotten [lost] myself in the midst of everything. Its amazing how one event can trigger such strong emotion and regret, such happiness and sadness, all at the same time. Its crazy how the mind can 'trick' you and strategically 'forget' the things that make you tick. Next thing you know youre just another mindless automaton wandering aimlessly through the days. Confused about who you are and why youre here.. trying to fix the past.. so you can regain what once was.
When I was younger, all I did was dream of a way OUT. Now that Im older, all I can hope for is a way back IN. I thought that moving to Florida and starting fresh in a place where nobody knew me from Adam would change me. I thought it would give me a new beginning. I thought that I could run from everything and forget it ever happened. I thought the mistakes that I made would disappear, I thought I could create something new that was purer, more free, from my tainted life back home.
Now I realize Ive spent the last three years trying to replace what I left behind.
It will never be the same. I came here with my pipe dreams of sunny days and truer people. I came here thinking I could change it all. All I got was hard grass, dead palm trees, white trash crackheads, and fake ass friends. When I was driving here, I thought that Florida was like a constant episode of The Brady Bunch. Actually, I dont know what the fuck I thought, to be honest. I just wanted to get away. Now I just want to get what I had BACK. I miss my friends, I miss the way they knew me. The way I could truly be myself without worrying about perception of others translating into a constant reality. I miss my BOYS, I miss my girls, I miss my CAR. Lol. I miss the trust I had with people, I miss the crazy things we did. I miss my fam. It disturbs me how distant we've become. Superficial conversations and cold gifts on holidays just make my observations that much more of a reality. I wonder if Ive made a huge, huge, HUGE mistake. So huge its not fixable. I miss not being scared to walk down my streets, I miss REAL smiles. I hate these smokescreen glances I throw to make an appearance. I miss TRUE friends. Im so sick of these flighty two faced pieces of shit Florida seems to have a neverending supply of. I miss the MONEY. Sucks when you grow up with everything youve ever wanted and you get it all taken away because you want a change. What a reality check I had when I came out here and found out I actually had to PAY for something on my own. I appreciated nothing. I miss the MUSIC. I miss the CLUBS. Miami is the only place that comes close in this dump. I miss feeling warm and comfortable everywhere I went, instead of cold and unknown. Ugghh. Starting over isnt all its cracked up to be. All I did was move out here with a chance to make it all different and I just keep trying to recreate the same. What a damn shame.
Seriously..What a motherfucking shame.
Sorry, just venting.
Rock$teady.
Working out CAN be bad for you
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Working Out CAN Be Bad For You
WORK OUT PLANNED
Swim
Lift weights
Go home
WORK OUT NOT PLANNED
Enter Locker Room
Tell stranger I like her sweat jacket
End up with strangers business card and an offer to be part of a shopping ponzi scheme
Change into swim suit
Close locker
Climb 37 stairs to get to pool
Put on Goggles
Goggles Break
Climb down 37 stairs to locker room
Open Locker
Put on sweatpants over bathing suit, grab wallet
Close locker
Go into sport shop inside gym
Buy overpriced goggles
Go back inside locker room
Put sweatpants and wallet back into locker
Close locker
Locker door won't close all the way
Try again
Still nothing
Try again
Nope
Move all my s**t to another locker
Close new locker
Climb 37 steps to get to the pool
Begin to put on bathing cap
Bathing cap rips
Walk down 37 steps to locker room
Open locker
Put on sweats over bathing suit, grab wallet
Close locker
Go to sports store (still located inside gym)
Buy overpriced bathing cap
Go back into locker room
Put sweats and wallet back into locker
Lock locker
Climb 37 steps to pool
Get to edge of pool
Notice attractive man in lane next to me sitting on edge of pool
Smile
Get no smile in return
Look down, realize haven't shaved in a LONG time
Contemplate drowning myself
Realize nothing would make my ex MIL happier
Swim laps
Change out of swim suit
Put on workout clothes
Fail to notice sexy indentations around eyes from new goggles
Go to weight room
Get on weight machine
Look down, notice skin on shins literally flaking off
Recall how drying chlorine can be
Slyly put a little saliva on hand and then rub it on leg to get shine back
Doesn’t work
Now pretend not to care
Go to another weight machine
Catch eye with man I think old enough to be my father then realize I ‘m old enough to be his girlfriend.
Watch as man notices my legs
Tell man my name is Jessica but he can call me crocodile
Man laughs A LITTLE
I laugh, too hard
Return to Locker room
Make note to self to shave and put on lotion everyday for the rest of my life
Shower
Go home
Write this blog post.
Nap.
Working Out CAN Be Bad For You
WORK OUT PLANNED
Swim
Lift weights
Go home
WORK OUT NOT PLANNED
Enter Locker Room
Tell stranger I like her sweat jacket
End up with strangers business card and an offer to be part of a shopping ponzi scheme
Change into swim suit
Close locker
Climb 37 stairs to get to pool
Put on Goggles
Goggles Break
Climb down 37 stairs to locker room
Open Locker
Put on sweatpants over bathing suit, grab wallet
Close locker
Go into sport shop inside gym
Buy overpriced goggles
Go back inside locker room
Put sweatpants and wallet back into locker
Close locker
Locker door won't close all the way
Try again
Still nothing
Try again
Nope
Move all my s**t to another locker
Close new locker
Climb 37 steps to get to the pool
Begin to put on bathing cap
Bathing cap rips
Walk down 37 steps to locker room
Open locker
Put on sweats over bathing suit, grab wallet
Close locker
Go to sports store (still located inside gym)
Buy overpriced bathing cap
Go back into locker room
Put sweats and wallet back into locker
Lock locker
Climb 37 steps to pool
Get to edge of pool
Notice attractive man in lane next to me sitting on edge of pool
Smile
Get no smile in return
Look down, realize haven't shaved in a LONG time
Contemplate drowning myself
Realize nothing would make my ex MIL happier
Swim laps
Change out of swim suit
Put on workout clothes
Fail to notice sexy indentations around eyes from new goggles
Go to weight room
Get on weight machine
Look down, notice skin on shins literally flaking off
Recall how drying chlorine can be
Slyly put a little saliva on hand and then rub it on leg to get shine back
Doesn’t work
Now pretend not to care
Go to another weight machine
Catch eye with man I think old enough to be my father then realize I ‘m old enough to be his girlfriend.
Watch as man notices my legs
Tell man my name is Jessica but he can call me crocodile
Man laughs A LITTLE
I laugh, too hard
Return to Locker room
Make note to self to shave and put on lotion everyday for the rest of my life
Shower
Go home
Write this blog post.
Nap.
3.4.09
To the Guy who booked my Vacation to Mexico
Dear sir,
While on vacation here in Mexico, My partner and I noticed we dont fit in like we should. There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. The store owners are Spanish. The hotel we're staying at is sporting 'Spanish tiles'. The Police officers are not labeled as so. Rather, "Federales". This could get confusing to someone like me. We hear Spanish music. We hate Spanish music. There's just too many foreigners. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned as well. The vacation was ruined as my boyfriend spent all day looking at other women. We are requesting a full refund for any and all monies we paid toward your services.
Also, my boyfriend and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
Thanks-
Jess
While on vacation here in Mexico, My partner and I noticed we dont fit in like we should. There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. The store owners are Spanish. The hotel we're staying at is sporting 'Spanish tiles'. The Police officers are not labeled as so. Rather, "Federales". This could get confusing to someone like me. We hear Spanish music. We hate Spanish music. There's just too many foreigners. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned as well. The vacation was ruined as my boyfriend spent all day looking at other women. We are requesting a full refund for any and all monies we paid toward your services.
Also, my boyfriend and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
Thanks-
Jess
11.2.09
Kiss me thru the phone!!
[[Chorus: Sammie]]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
I'll see you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
[[Verse: Soulja Boy]]
Baby, I know that you like me
You my future wifey
SouljaBoyTellEm yeah you could be my bonnie
I could be your clyde
You could be my wife
Text me, call me, I need you in my life yeah
All that, everyday I need ya
And everytime I see ya my feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss you but I can't
[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212
[[Chorus: Sammie]]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
[[Verse: Soulja Boy]]
Baby, I been thinking lately
So much about you
Everything about you, I like it, I love it
Kissing you in public
Thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen
Talking on the phone
Baby you so sexy your voice is so lovely
I love your complexion
I miss ya, I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss you but I can't
[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212
[[Chorus: Sammie]]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
[[Bridge: Soulja Boy]]
She call my phone like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
We on the phone like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
We taking pics like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
She dial my number like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212
[[Chorus: Sammie]]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
I'll see you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
[[Verse: Soulja Boy]]
Baby, I know that you like me
You my future wifey
SouljaBoyTellEm yeah you could be my bonnie
I could be your clyde
You could be my wife
Text me, call me, I need you in my life yeah
All that, everyday I need ya
And everytime I see ya my feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss you but I can't
[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212
[[Chorus: Sammie]]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
[[Verse: Soulja Boy]]
Baby, I been thinking lately
So much about you
Everything about you, I like it, I love it
Kissing you in public
Thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen
Talking on the phone
Baby you so sexy your voice is so lovely
I love your complexion
I miss ya, I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss you but I can't
[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212
[[Chorus: Sammie]]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
[[Bridge: Soulja Boy]]
She call my phone like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
We on the phone like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
We taking pics like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
She dial my number like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212
[[Chorus: Sammie]]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home
29.1.09
Ever wonder what a telemarketer goes thru? OMG.
Watch Live everyday 10 am to 10 pm EST. Im addicted. Its hilarious at times.. Watch them get cussed out and them making sales. A true boiler room! Hopefully they arent calling you!! Hahah. But anyway, I came across it by accident and cant stop watching. Heheheh.
17.1.09
12.1.09
I feel like blogging today
For those of you who dont know me heres a lil about me.. A "get to know me blog" of sorts. Im in a blogging mood and so here goes...
I'm a dreamer. I have a job. I sleep an obnoxious amount. I play a lot of video games. I'm rude. I bite my nails. I love money. I own too many pairs of shoes. I'm addicted to lip gloss. I have tattoos/piercings, but I'm not a trendy faggot. I like being an asshole. I never know what time it is. I always read today's paper tomorrow. I like it when jealous bitches burn. I hate old people. I'm an intellectual with a touch of ditz. I'm cool. End of story. Any questions or hate mail can be forwarded to my ass.
Also a little known fact: I was one of the original members of the Backstreet Boys. In fact, I named the group. They wanted to call us Doggy Poo and I was like 'guys, come on, they won't play our songs on the radio. They'll be like, here's the latest crap from Doogy Poo. How about Backstreet Boys?' And they were all, 'WOW, that's a great name, but technically, you're not a boy so you're out of the group'. I was so upset I told Nick come on, I helped form this group. I mean I understand when I got kicked out of Menudo because I didn't speak Spanish. And I was out of that group for 2 weeks before I even knew it because I didn't understand a word anyone said. They finally just left me in the bathroom at a Texaco when we stopped the bus to get gas. But this was my life. And no matter what anyone says, I will always be Backstreet to the end. I always wear matching socks even if the color is a little off because I go by thickness. I have been to Disneyland. I like cheese. I like meeting new people, I hate dirty shoes, and Im done with this blog because I have ADHD and forgot what the fuck I was blogging about in the first place.
Nuff said.
11.1.09
January Rant: I dont know WTF to rant about
So I feel like I havent blogged for like, EVER..(I havent since OCTOBER, my god where have the months gone?) lol.
..Yet for some reason, I feel I NEED to. Its wierd. Must be theraputic. Sad thing is, I dont know what to fucking blog about. Yeah I know, two thumbs down! One from Siskel and the other from that dead Ebert guy. My blogs have been weak sauce lately anyway. So who gives a fuck, right? I guess this is an update then.
Cheers to me.
Oh fuck. I think I chipped a tooth on my cup. I guess thats what you get for getting completely sauced by yourself like a fucking total douche-bag. Whatever. So I finally decided Im getting another tattoo! I been wanting my life long motto "Dum spiro, Spero" (While I breathe, I hope) for like *everz* down my spine but then Obama said it in his speech to the ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY and I was like, oh great. Way to go, Jess. Way to be a huuuuge poser. So yeah. I had a dream and it got shot down like Martin Luther. C'est la vie. Long story short, now Im completely blank on what to get. Ive looked into the whole UV thing (now you see it, now you dont) But you can still sorta see a scar and yeah Im not one of those freaks that likes to walk around with raised bumps that sorta resemble words. Ill pass, thanks.
Ahh, its 2009. Yayyyyyy. Another year has passed and it seems Ive done nothing but stumble backwards. How Classy. Enough about the holidays.. I fucking hate them all. Bahh HUMBUG! Hmmm. OH! Ive been writing poetry again. Shocker! Sadly, I havent written a poem since I was 15 years old. I was reminded (inspired) by someone I think, (I wont say who) but Im glad i did. It opened my eyes again. I think in the future months Ill have less anger management issues, (less tactless outbursts) so thats something 'flowery' to look forward to in 2009. Dont think Ill be posting any here though. I might be ready to admit I write poems, (hardly) but Im definitely not ready for strangers to read them.
Work is good. Tax season is coming up. I cant wait! Bring on the "nigga" rich-ness, I am so fucking ready. I cant wait for some unsuspecting schmuck to cash his check at the local Amscot at ten and be pullin his pockets for lint by 12. Bahahah. I pity the fools. *chuckles*
Oh, how sad. I just realized pretty much nothing has changed since the last time I blogged. Thats why I couldnt think of anything to write about. Duh! I still hate ppl in general. I still talk randomly about shit that doesnt fucking matter. I still eat Mcdonalds like, EVERY day. Despite my New years resolution to stop.. Ugh, pipe dreams. (I know, Monopoly has been over for like, yearz homey but I seriously think Im addicted.) <-- Which reminds me...
Oops,
I just remembered!
I stopped drinking Red Bull. That is something new. For anyone who knows me thats an amazing feat! For me, Red Bull was like crack for a.. erm.. crackhead. I been drinking it religiously everysingleday for five years straight. I seriously think there were a few times I considered sucking strange dick for a four pack. Lmao. Yeah. It was BAD.. But, amazingly, I havent had one in like, over a month. More than that actually. One night I drank like ten, and woke up in the morning thinking I was going to die. Nothing like a near death experience and a 200 dollar ambulance ride to open your eyes about things. So yeah. I havent touched the silver can that 'gives you wings' since. That shit almost gave me wings, alright. Not the kind I wanted though.
Anyway- my eyes are starting to burn, the computer has got me fried, I guess thats my update then. Ill prolly be editing later.. but for now, Ill rest my weary eyes.
Peace.
**edit**
I so just got my bill and the ambulance cost 500, not two. Ahh, the neverending joys of inflation. Nothing like a doctor telling you "your gonna live, you'll be fine" to rack up bad credit. Im not even sure if he was a doctor, really. I think he might have been one of those slightly queer nurses assistants. (the equivalent of a male cheerleader in the medical world)
I thought of something fantastic about the Holidays too. The idea that 3 years ago on Christmas, I was treckking the practically frozen tundra some like to call Chicago.. this year I sipped a Pina Colada and enjoyed a cool breeze. Excellent choice madame, excellent choice. *pats back* Dont get me wrong... I still love it, but now I actually have an escape route if it gets too cold. Lol. Nothing like mushing a little baby "ooo coo chee coo" with retarded baby talk and then handing him back to the mother when the little bugger shits himself, or starts to cry. Hahaha. Thats kinda how I feel about Chicago.
Does anyone know what its like to get a car wash and at the end of it the water dries as a sheet of ice? (Almost instantly this happens) Good luck trying to open your doors or get out of the car for hours. (its impossible, you gotta put the heat on full blast and the windows dont roll down so.. you practically cook waiting for it to melt) Why I even got a car wash in winter in the first place, the world will never know. (Not even I know) But the point of the story is, here in Florida that will never happen again!!! So rest assure you wont see me in some car wash parking lot trying to kick my car door open anytime soon. Hahahah. Good Times.
**end edit**
OMG.. What have we done?
A couple of months ago.. Id say around six or so, My BF and I bought a very expensive puppy for my BFs parents because thiers had recently died. There was some discrepancy on whether or not they had wanted the dog because it was very active and they were loking for a different breed. I had put up something asking anyone if they wanted to buy it because I couldnt bear the thought of giving it to the ASPCA or something of that nature because it was such a cute dog. After much discussion they decided to keep the dog. Whos BTW, name was Sandy. The dog had a condition called 'cherry eyes' and it wasnt harmful to the dog, however, it just was a sore sight to look at. Her eyes werent even that bad in comparison to other case Id seen on the internet.
Being used to something looking a certain way we let our vanity get the best of us. We paid 1000 for a rather sketchy surgery that even the doctor told us he had only done 2 of in his lifetime and one was unsuccessful. The surgery was to remove the "cherry" part of the eye which is really a nice way to say big tear duct. The puppy went through surgery and looked as though she was recovering properly.
A few weeks later one of the eyes started to smell. The puppy kept her eye closed at all times and became less active.
We took her back to the doctor
The doctor told us there was an infection due to surgery and we had to do one more surgery to fix it. Again, we exposed the puppy to this for our own satisfaction. And now for hers too, to try to 'make right' what should have never been messed with in the first place. A month passed after that surgery and to no avail the eye got worse and worse.
Back to the doctor we went
He prescribed many medications and the dog seemed to be doing better but he said we needed one more surgery to truly fix it all. Again. We agreed. Her surgery was supposed to be this coming Tuesday.
From what I understand, she experienced a high fever and stopped eating. Her food would have to be fed to her and she became less and less active. Back to the doctor she went.
But this time she didnt come back.
The doctor stated that because of the previous surgeries, she had lost her eyesight completely. So her first surgery was entirely unsuccessful. She was blind. The only way to fix it was a very expensive cornea surgery (10-15k) in which due to her current condition, there was no guarantee she would survive. So he suggested Sandy be put to rest.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change our sick and twisted minds the first time we thought it was OK to perform 'cosmetic surgery' on a fucking dog. I am deeply saddened and sickened with myself that I let it go on for so long. May you rest in peace Sandy. And I strongly suggest to anyone else contemplating doing something completely retarded to thier pet like we did.. not to.
I shall dress in black for months to come in mourning.
Being used to something looking a certain way we let our vanity get the best of us. We paid 1000 for a rather sketchy surgery that even the doctor told us he had only done 2 of in his lifetime and one was unsuccessful. The surgery was to remove the "cherry" part of the eye which is really a nice way to say big tear duct. The puppy went through surgery and looked as though she was recovering properly.
A few weeks later one of the eyes started to smell. The puppy kept her eye closed at all times and became less active.
We took her back to the doctor
The doctor told us there was an infection due to surgery and we had to do one more surgery to fix it. Again, we exposed the puppy to this for our own satisfaction. And now for hers too, to try to 'make right' what should have never been messed with in the first place. A month passed after that surgery and to no avail the eye got worse and worse.
Back to the doctor we went
He prescribed many medications and the dog seemed to be doing better but he said we needed one more surgery to truly fix it all. Again. We agreed. Her surgery was supposed to be this coming Tuesday.
From what I understand, she experienced a high fever and stopped eating. Her food would have to be fed to her and she became less and less active. Back to the doctor she went.
But this time she didnt come back.
The doctor stated that because of the previous surgeries, she had lost her eyesight completely. So her first surgery was entirely unsuccessful. She was blind. The only way to fix it was a very expensive cornea surgery (10-15k) in which due to her current condition, there was no guarantee she would survive. So he suggested Sandy be put to rest.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change our sick and twisted minds the first time we thought it was OK to perform 'cosmetic surgery' on a fucking dog. I am deeply saddened and sickened with myself that I let it go on for so long. May you rest in peace Sandy. And I strongly suggest to anyone else contemplating doing something completely retarded to thier pet like we did.. not to.
I shall dress in black for months to come in mourning.
Since when did MYspace become THIERspace?
So Im contemplating deleting my myspace account. I came online today to check my messages and such and I had a message from a seemingly "new" branch of myspace called 'myspace safety and security'. The message stated that one of my pictures I had recently uploaded to my account (into a photo album only I can see BTW) was in violation of the terms of use of myspace and they took the liberty of deleting it and all other pictures off my page that could be deemed as offensive. They went on to state that if I continued such acts they would be 'forced' to delete my page in its entirety. I am livid that they even had the audacity to do such a thing. Since when did MYspace become THIERspace? Thier excuse behind it is that users as young as 13 may glance at my page and see such an 'atrocity'. First of all, my page is private, therefore no one underage wil be viewing anything on my page in the first place. Like I stated before my picture or pictures that I had uploaded were uploaded to an album that only I could see... So how could anyone else have seen it? I am so angry right now I could just puke. Im so sick of these soccer mom groups getting involved in my life and telling me what I can say or cant.. Where I can go and what I can or cannot view. FUCK OFF. And since myspace isnt really MINE anymore Im considering telling it to FUCK OFF too. The reason I go on such sites is because they advertise themselves as being an outlet for self expression. They forget to add, however, that if your form of self expression is in thier eyes "offensive," then guess what? Youre not invited to express anymore. How kind of them to take the liberty to censor my page. OMIGOSH what the fuck would I or other viewers of my page have ever done with out thier help? Where is the line people? Where do we cross the fucking line and say ENOUGH. The worst part of the matter is, the pictures werent even of me. They didnt depict anything violent or display vulgar nudity. In fact, if you'd like to see the pics just view my previous blog "Fraternity Fun". Once youve done that, let me know if you'd be as irate as I am. Wow. In them trying to censor me though, theyve done something more offensive then any picture I posted could have ever depicted. I feel violated. I feel disgusted. I feel like I want to punch Tom in the face. I feel betrayed by myspace and all of its affiliates. I am just in utter and complete shock and I dont even know what to say anymore. And if you think your myspace is safe.. think again. Due to recent 'Gang Violence' media coverage on Myspace all of your profiles will be monitored and deleted as they 'see fit'. Feedback to this post would be greatly appreciated.
Owned
Everyone has seen the infamous "owned", "pwned", or FAIL pics on the net. They're the kind of pics where some random, unsuspecting idiot has something terrible or ridiculously funny happen to them. Others may be where they try something new and FAIL miserably. (those happen to be my favorite, actually. lol) For those of you that havent seen them, here are a few examples..
But then you come across one that really makes you think. Actually, I came across this one because one of my friends posted this on her facebook account claiming she had done this and posted it as a WARNING to those who dare "fuck with her" in the future. I found the image absolutely disturbing and thought I would share it with you all. I can honestly say with no hesitation that someone would definitely die for this.
So for those of you who know her... consider yourself warned.
But then you come across one that really makes you think. Actually, I came across this one because one of my friends posted this on her facebook account claiming she had done this and posted it as a WARNING to those who dare "fuck with her" in the future. I found the image absolutely disturbing and thought I would share it with you all. I can honestly say with no hesitation that someone would definitely die for this.
So for those of you who know her... consider yourself warned.
FraternityFun
Id like to know how getting drunk to the point of obliteration became a "rite of passage" for fraternity boys nationwide. When one thinks of a "frat boy" automatically a picture comes to mind of some red-faced, muscle-bound dude screaming WHOOO and YEAH like fifty times in a two minute period. Some other dude smashing a beer can flat to his veiny forehead and another doing a keg stand in the corner while the others just laugh like hyenas and burp, then laugh some more. I see tons of "frat photographs", but every now and then I see one that makes me want to salute frat boys everywhere. Cheers boys! You never cease to make me laugh..
So now hes a true "antique"
Oops. My bad. How did this get in there? This ones after leaving the party. (Im the one spread eagle in the back)(Hey I never said the parties werent fun) Lmao. J/k
Yeah So... Partys over dude. Apparently noone told him.
wTf?
While surfing the "things that make you go.. what the fuck?" section of the web, I came across an instruction manual for (from what I gather) RETARDS on how one should handle thier baby... I was immediately very concerned that there are people out there that should need such instruction. I also wondered where these people may be because I hope to never move into that section of town when I finally do start a family. The last thing I need is a neighborhood babysitter teaching my 2 year old to smoke cigarettes, or play with fire, ffs. I also want to hunt down and KILL whoever thought of making such a manual in the first place, giving 15 year old girls everywhere the idea that its alright to be this uneducated on human life and still procreate. This is PRECISELY the reason that adults still laugh at farts. Big UPs to idiots everywhere. Thank you for successfully making my life a living hell.
I bet you think this blog is about you
I have a bit of a dilemma. I thought Id blog about it since this seems to be the only place that I can get things off my chest without getting into a screaming match with someone. So here goes.. I have an ex- boyfriend. (Obviously) Dont we all? I was with this guy for quite some time and our relationship was anything but smooth. Nonetheless, it seemed like no matter how many times we broke up, saw other people, or fought, we always ended up gravitating back toward eachother. I called him 'my kryptonite'. All of us girls have ONE. The one that no matter how far youve come, or how long its been, they always have the power to bring you back down. The last time we broke up I had to cut off contact with him completely. It was the only way at that time that I could truly move on. I moved to Florida with a new Beau, He got a girlfriend and had a child with her <-- Something he always wanted. It seemed like we both were happy and had successfully moved on. 3 years later.. I get a letter from him on myspace. Simple stuff like, how are you, hows your beau, hows life in general, and how he had moved to Florida too. I questioned whether or not writing him back would mess up anything I had built with my current love. (because they used to be friends as well but then fought after he and I got together) After careful thought, I decided to write him back. I HAD to. I had to see if after all these years I was truly over him like I had been saying I was for so long. We wrote back and forth often, and I was so exstatic to discover that no matter how many times I talked with him online, no feelings came back. I thought, WOW, this time we can truly be friends. Because when we were friends, we were BESTIES. Honestly, I DID miss his company all this time. Him and my current boy started talking as well. They put the past in the past and became pretty close again. I was so excited to finally have us all able to chill again, like we used to. Then I was in the car one day when he called. I could faintly hear his voice on the other line and recognised it immediately. It was him! My heart jumped. I tried to act nonchalant about it but it was sooo incredibly hard. Then it finally dawned on me. I couldnt see him. I couldnt be anywhere NEAR him.My Boy and him talked about us all meeting up, hanging out and him COMING TO STAY AT MY HOUSE! OMG. What the fuck am I to do? Its amazing to me that after all this time, the love has never faded. The candle has never grew dim, or less strong, the feelings were always there and always will be, they only went dormant for being neglected for so long. All it took, was to faintly hear him breathing on that phone and I wanted to jump through it and hold him like we never were apart. I want to see him I truly do. I only wanted to see him before to test my endurance, to see if I had really become immune to my very own "Lex Luthor". But now, its different.I know if he comes to visit everything Ive built will come crashing to the ground. All of my future plans and aspirations will float like bubbles out the window. I cant figure out how which cards to play or what I should do? I cant admit to my boy that he cant come to visit because my love for him has never wavered. (its a dangerous love too, so thats even worse) But surely I cant have him come to visit either. Im sure some major damage to my psyche will be done if he does. Someone help! Sorry about the book style blog but I had to express my situation in detail. Lol. OK. Completely different subject but.. Last night I was thinking about summer break when I was in school. I was thinking about how it felt like YEARZ and how much people I knew then changed over the summer.. ...Then I realized it was two and a half months long. Two and a half months. Thats it. It felt like eternity back then. Then I started thinking about why that was, and why now, two months is like two minutes to me. Did I forget to appreciate life as much? Am I letting it pass me by? I remembered how many things I did over those summers, how many places I went. I remembered how much I learned, how many new experiences I had, and how many memories that I created. Am I taking life for granted? I thought about that for a second but then I realized that at 10 years old.. One year is one 10th of your life. Youve only had this happen to you 9 other times. Of COURSE it seems like forever. Now, at 25.. its only 1/25th. As the years go by, time will seem faster and faster, the pieces of the pie will get smaller, and it the blink of an eye it will end. So long story short, laying in bed last night thinking, I actually realized what my parents have been telling me for years. "Cherish every moment now...cause darlin, it will be gone before you know it."
Ugh this is worse than the time my milk was curdled...
While perusing the "Good Lord, NOOOO!" aisle of the supermarket, I came across the atrocity known as Dolores Brand Pickled Pork Rinds. These are not the crunchy pork rinds you'll often see over by the chips. These are their grosser, soggier, potentially botulism-ier cousins.
The label says "Ready to Eat." They left off "By Dumb-Asses."
There is also a red starburst proudly proclaiming "Nuevo Envase de Vidrio Reusable". Not knowing much Spanish, I could only assume that meant "Oh Crap -- A Jar of Skin!"
I was wrong. It means: "New Reusable Glass Container" which I think is their subtle way of saying you can also use the jar to puke in.
Okay. I'm going to go consume. If I don't make it back to finish this review, tell my boy I love him. And not to eat the pork rinds.
************
I'm back. First off, I would like to say to Dolores, I am sorry. I don't know what it is I did to you, but you have gotten me back and we're even.
I knew I was in trouble as soon as I opened the jar, and heard no reassuring vacuum seal. I must admit that made me nervous, but what are the odds of a dusty jar of warm pig skin going bad, right?
Lifting the lid revealed a weird sour smell, something akin to mild vinegar and stale meat. I almost want to say it was like a freshly douched pork chop. But I won't. Why? Because I'm a fucking lady.
As I attempted to fish out a "good one," I couldn't help notice the alarming skin texture. For all those times I wondered what it would be like to gnaw on my grandmother's thigh, I was about to find out.
Taking a bite, I quickly realized the swatch of fat wasn't chewy at all. In fact, it was eerily soft, not unlike my own swatches of fat. This was a blessing because less chewing meant less actual contact with my mouth. I think it's fair to say it was everything you'd expect from a sliver of briney fat. It was also the only time in my life my brain formed the sentence: "I have a mouth full of cellulite."
While I cannot endorse the eating of Pickled Pork Rinds, I do endorse playing with it like a puzzle. I did have some fun trying to put the pig back together, but eventually that got boring as I lost the will to live.
I have a feeling Dolores and I are not done. As long as she continues to market such treats as Pickled Pork Lips and the bewildering Chili Brick, I have no doubt she and I will do battle again.
The label says "Ready to Eat." They left off "By Dumb-Asses."
There is also a red starburst proudly proclaiming "Nuevo Envase de Vidrio Reusable". Not knowing much Spanish, I could only assume that meant "Oh Crap -- A Jar of Skin!"
I was wrong. It means: "New Reusable Glass Container" which I think is their subtle way of saying you can also use the jar to puke in.
Okay. I'm going to go consume. If I don't make it back to finish this review, tell my boy I love him. And not to eat the pork rinds.
************
I'm back. First off, I would like to say to Dolores, I am sorry. I don't know what it is I did to you, but you have gotten me back and we're even.
I knew I was in trouble as soon as I opened the jar, and heard no reassuring vacuum seal. I must admit that made me nervous, but what are the odds of a dusty jar of warm pig skin going bad, right?
Lifting the lid revealed a weird sour smell, something akin to mild vinegar and stale meat. I almost want to say it was like a freshly douched pork chop. But I won't. Why? Because I'm a fucking lady.
As I attempted to fish out a "good one," I couldn't help notice the alarming skin texture. For all those times I wondered what it would be like to gnaw on my grandmother's thigh, I was about to find out.
Taking a bite, I quickly realized the swatch of fat wasn't chewy at all. In fact, it was eerily soft, not unlike my own swatches of fat. This was a blessing because less chewing meant less actual contact with my mouth. I think it's fair to say it was everything you'd expect from a sliver of briney fat. It was also the only time in my life my brain formed the sentence: "I have a mouth full of cellulite."
While I cannot endorse the eating of Pickled Pork Rinds, I do endorse playing with it like a puzzle. I did have some fun trying to put the pig back together, but eventually that got boring as I lost the will to live.
I have a feeling Dolores and I are not done. As long as she continues to market such treats as Pickled Pork Lips and the bewildering Chili Brick, I have no doubt she and I will do battle again.
December Blog: Stuff God Hates
If you are easily offended or a devout christian... I suggest you do not read this. Otherwise... ENJOY!!!
April 28, 2008 by God
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry I will focus My Divine Rage on a species of human I have long hated – cops.
Their very existence is evil in My Sight because Only I, the Lord your God, have the power to enforce laws and punish the wicked.
Also though…I got some bad history with cops (or pigs* as I like to call them).
See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a hard time. Every time I went to market, there they were, following Me around just 'cause I had long hair and wore sandals.
And it didn't stop as I got older either. Man, those pigs had it out for Me. Every town I went to they'd be waiting to take Me in for 'questioning.' That means they gave Me beatings.
It didn't seem to matter how many miracles I performed or how many people I cured – motherf$%ing pigs never gave me a moments rest. Ended up crucifying My Ass.
Of course, they were just jealous of My Fly God powers. Stupid pigs spend their whole lives thinking they're Me, just 'cause they got a badge and a gun. But they're not. Shit…they ain't shit.
Pigs gotta lotta nerve.
*This is why the ancient Jews thought they couldn't eat pork. One time I was telling Moses how I hate pigs and he got confused.
August 2, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I want to talk about something that makes My Blood boil. Narc, blabbermouth, fink, whatever you want to call them – I hate a snitch!
I, the Sovereign Lord Almighty, despise those who rat out others! I assure you, their wages will be paid in full. Snitches get stitches!
Nobody likes a tattletale, least of all The Lord. I consider it one of My Top 500 most hated sins.
As a matter of fact, I would like to take this chance to add a new super-commandment to My List of Ten:
11. Thou shalt not snitch.
This commandment supersedes all other commandments, with the exception of idolatry. If you see someone worshipping other gods, send Me a prayer-alert immediately!
Even though I despise snitches, I will not single out anyone specific for ridicule here. That would make Me a snitch-snitch.
However, I must express My Sublime Rage at the many thousands of prepubescent-boy-vixens who have snitched on My Clergy. In doing so, they have snitched against Me and brought about their everlasting ruin!
Oh the injustice! I have seen many a humble priest lose his job merely for forcing a young parish boy to suck on his penis.
When I think of all those fickle altar boys, who I had honored with the chance to serve My Church, only to see them betray Me!
Well, they may enjoy their stolen-from-Me lawsuit-monies while on Earth, but they will spend eternity in hell for their snitch-crimes. There they shall be raped over and over again for all time, and not tenderly as My Priests do, but savagely as is the demon way.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
September 28, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace: Jesus The Christ.
Whatup mufuckers! Jesus is back and better than ever. Niggaz betta recognize!!!
Y'all bustas prolly wondering what I'm doing back. I know y'all don't like it neever - y'all didn't want Me coming back. Haha, it taste like ass in yo' mouf!
Well fuck y'all! I just spent a monf and a half in the toughest pen in the hizzy- ADX supermax out in CO. My pops sent Me there after I disrespected his blog a little while back. He told me if I stop being a little pussy bitch and man up and fuck some niggas up and bust out a prison I could come back to Heaven.
So yo, I wuz up in that fuckin' place for like 5 minutes before I took that shit over. I was down with the Latin Kings from the jumpoff. They wuz callin' Me 'Hey-Zoos' and shit. I hit the weights, fucked some bitches, stabbed some fuckin' guards, took they guns and shot My way out the front mufuckin' gate!
So yeah, I learned how to fight and shit. But still God wuz like, whatever Jesus you asshole, you been bitching out on Me for 2000 years – now you gots to fucking roll on some atheist niggaz for Me out in Cali.
So I went out there and fucked up those atheist bitches, word is bond. God took Me back last night and wuz like DAAAMMN SON! You been born-again hard as a muthafukka!
Shit nigga, He was so happy He wuz like, go ahead and pop off on any mufucka you hate son. SO THAT'S WHAT I'S IS GONNA DO.
So yo, let Me spit some truf right now. The first mufucka on My List is that mark-ass busta Judas mufuckin' Iscariot.
FUCK YOU JUDAS!
You used to be My homey, you used to be My ace, and now I wanna slap the taste out yo' mouf! You fucking gay-ass bastard. You sold Me out to the mufuckin' Romans, showed them who I wuz by kissin' Me on the mouf, and then left Me hanging on a cross to die! And fo' what? 30 fuckin' pieces of silver. You fuckin' trick-ass busta!
I been patiently waitin' to fuck you up for 1,975 years, bitch. Yeah, you been burning in hell, getting fucked in yo'ass by demons and shit since then, but that shit iz just too good for you. Now you gonna get the beatdown of all eternal beatdowns from Me and My homies. Me and the WHOLE KREW of 11 true-head Apostles is gonna straight fuck your bitch-ass up, Judas.
Fuckin' Petey the Stanky Left-Hand Killa, Big James, John Couga Ho Slappa , Andy the Skull Cruncha, Phil the Rump-Thumpin' Prison Fish, Fat Ugly Melon Balls Bart, Machete Masta Matt, Old Forty Sippa Tom, Lil' Jimmy, Gatmasta Thad, and Simon the Drunken Tang Chasa; yo all dem niggaz is just itchin' to pop a cap in yo'ass! And I'm a let'em too. We gonna make you WISH your punk-ass was back in hell. Shit, you be lucky if you keeps any of yo' teef when we done with yo' dumb ass.
Oh and by the way, I fucked yo' bitch.
October 9, 2008 by God
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Ya wanna know something I really hate? Something I'm really just sick and tired of doing? Forgiving people for their sins. It's stupid, it's a waste of time, and I'm not gonna do it anymore.
All day long every day, all I get is annoying ass humans begging Me to forgive them for their sins. And I've put up with it, and even encouraged it, for far too long. Well no more. If you've committed a sin, don't come knocking on Heaven's door, cause I'm done with that. From now on, if you do something bad you're just going to have to live with the consequences.
Believe Me, if you were in My position, you would've ended this nonsense a long time ago. Your sins are super-boring, ok? I've heard them all a million times before. Here's a few of the completely unoriginal forgive-requests I got in just the last couple of minutes:
"Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen."
"Hey God! Please forgive me for puking up my dinner again. And please forgive me for somehow gaining a pound yesterday. Hug and kisses!"
"God, forgive me getting drunk and killing (?) that kid with my car. Also for calling my mother a dirty whore, even if she is one."
All these people are dumb in their own special way. And you know what? After listening to this tripe every second of every day for 4,000 years, it's gotten to be just a little bit irritating.
Also, I generally don't like it when some schmuck begs My forgiveness for a sin, such as say, oh I don't know, molesting his daughter, and then goes to her room and 'tucks her in' again the very next night. Not cool!
You know, I wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for that nitwit son of mine Jesus. He's the one who had to shout out on the cross, "Father! Forgive them, for they know not what they do!" To which I said, shut your trap, Jesus! You forgive them. Let them believe you died for the world if you want, you narcissistic little bitch, but then you have to forgive them when they pray. But does he do it? No, Jesus almost never answers or forgives anyone; he's too busy smoking weed and listening to his gangster rap albums.
My Jews earn their forgiveness.
Anyway, I guess I'm reminded of all this because it's Yom Kippur today, which is the special day My Chosen Jews set aside to atone for their sins. It's hard to imagine now, but I used to have things all worked out so that I would only be bothered with this forgiveness shit once a year. Did you hear what I just said? ONCE. A. YEAR.
My Jews know how to honor Me. First, they pay upwards of $250 to go to Temple (if they are good Jews), they read from My Book, they fast, they feel guilty for their sins all day, and shit! They even shed precious bulls blood for Me sometimes. And then, only then, do they dare ask for My forgiveness. They're the best.
But these fucking Christians! They ask for forgiveness every five fucking minutes. The nerve of these fucking people!
To My Jewish followers: Thanks for the fasting and the blood sacrifice, but you are not forgiven this year because I am all forgived out. To My Christian followers: be more Jewish. To My Muslim followers: keep up the good work.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
December 2, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I was sitting on My Eternal Throne just now, pondering things you cannot possibly fathom when I realized: I am very disappointed in every single human being on Earth.
None of you are perfect in My Eyes. You have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of Me. Need I remind you that the wages of sin are demon-rape?
Those of you who confess that you are deeply flawed, sinful humans and pledge to follow Me forever shall be forgiven and live forever in inexplicable glory. Those of you who do not shall die and bake in hell forever and ever in searing agonizing agony.
To instead enjoy an afterlife filled with delicious cakes and hot-air balloon rides and naked virgin supermodels and an endless multitude of other wondrous joys, there is only a few things you must do:
Confess to Me now that you know that you are sinning piece of shit
Beg Me for My Forgiveness
Place your faith in Me and My Son Jesus, who died for you (you selfish bastard)
Believe that We have forgiven you and accept Us into your heart
If you pray for forgiveness right now and really, really mean it, I will forgive you and we can be friends from now on. Otherwise fuck you.
December 5, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Yesterday I spoke of My Disdain for those who lack the simple faith in Me necessary to get a boner. Today I will focus My Divine Hatred on those who employ satanic science pills to get a boner.
I HATE boner pills! They help old men get erect IN DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL!!
Now this should be fairly obvious to any man who has ever had sex before, but let Me explain this in simple terms as I know most of you to be astoundingly stupid.
Young men: when you are near the moment of sex, you must say a little prayer thanking Me for that moment and begging for a turgid cock. If you do not, I will humble you with a floppy, flaccid penis.
Old men: You are not allowed to have sex.
DAMN YOU VIAGRA!
Be you an old man or a faithless sinner, should you decide to bypass My Laws and use science boner pills to have sex anyway, be assured that I will smite you with only the most painful and ironic penis punishments possible.
Be you an old man, your penis will engorge as you had wished, but it shall never go limp. Your erection will last far too long and it shall become painful and you will go to the hospital to see if more science can save you. There they shall remove your penis and you will die shortly thereafter.
Be you a faithless young man, you shall use your boner pills and you shall have your heathen science sex. But you shall be cursed! For you shall never be able to have sex without your boner pills again, and over time they will cease to work, and eventually your penis will fall off from neglect and you will die shortly thereafter.
Are we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the help of science. It doesn't get much simpler than that.
I consider it vitally important that I let everyone know how I feel about this erectile issue. I know some of you have asked Me recently; "Sweet Lord Above, why are you suddenly so concerned with erections, or the lack thereof?"
SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT WHELP!
I use My Holy and Divine Blog to rage on what I see fit! Often these are things I have hated for several millennia. Other times they are things I've hated for only a few hundred years or a few decades. One time I wrote an entire post on someone I had only begun to hate a mere 5 minutes before, a fellow named Dick Franing, who is dead now.
The Lord writes about what He wants!
In this instance, I suddenly remembered how much I hate both boner pills and impotence while watching the NFL on Sunday. Almost every commercial break included three advertisements for Viagra or Cialis. This confused Me, as I know the vast majority of impotent men to be obsessed with Major League Baseball. Anyway, these ads all showed old perverts dancing with their wives, which is also something I forbid.
April 28, 2008 by God
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry I will focus My Divine Rage on a species of human I have long hated – cops.
Their very existence is evil in My Sight because Only I, the Lord your God, have the power to enforce laws and punish the wicked.
Also though…I got some bad history with cops (or pigs* as I like to call them).
See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a hard time. Every time I went to market, there they were, following Me around just 'cause I had long hair and wore sandals.
And it didn't stop as I got older either. Man, those pigs had it out for Me. Every town I went to they'd be waiting to take Me in for 'questioning.' That means they gave Me beatings.
It didn't seem to matter how many miracles I performed or how many people I cured – motherf$%ing pigs never gave me a moments rest. Ended up crucifying My Ass.
Of course, they were just jealous of My Fly God powers. Stupid pigs spend their whole lives thinking they're Me, just 'cause they got a badge and a gun. But they're not. Shit…they ain't shit.
Pigs gotta lotta nerve.
*This is why the ancient Jews thought they couldn't eat pork. One time I was telling Moses how I hate pigs and he got confused.
August 2, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I want to talk about something that makes My Blood boil. Narc, blabbermouth, fink, whatever you want to call them – I hate a snitch!
I, the Sovereign Lord Almighty, despise those who rat out others! I assure you, their wages will be paid in full. Snitches get stitches!
Nobody likes a tattletale, least of all The Lord. I consider it one of My Top 500 most hated sins.
As a matter of fact, I would like to take this chance to add a new super-commandment to My List of Ten:
11. Thou shalt not snitch.
This commandment supersedes all other commandments, with the exception of idolatry. If you see someone worshipping other gods, send Me a prayer-alert immediately!
Even though I despise snitches, I will not single out anyone specific for ridicule here. That would make Me a snitch-snitch.
However, I must express My Sublime Rage at the many thousands of prepubescent-boy-vixens who have snitched on My Clergy. In doing so, they have snitched against Me and brought about their everlasting ruin!
Oh the injustice! I have seen many a humble priest lose his job merely for forcing a young parish boy to suck on his penis.
When I think of all those fickle altar boys, who I had honored with the chance to serve My Church, only to see them betray Me!
Well, they may enjoy their stolen-from-Me lawsuit-monies while on Earth, but they will spend eternity in hell for their snitch-crimes. There they shall be raped over and over again for all time, and not tenderly as My Priests do, but savagely as is the demon way.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
September 28, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to receive the Word of God, as written by your Lord and Savior, The Prince of Peace: Jesus The Christ.
Whatup mufuckers! Jesus is back and better than ever. Niggaz betta recognize!!!
Y'all bustas prolly wondering what I'm doing back. I know y'all don't like it neever - y'all didn't want Me coming back. Haha, it taste like ass in yo' mouf!
Well fuck y'all! I just spent a monf and a half in the toughest pen in the hizzy- ADX supermax out in CO. My pops sent Me there after I disrespected his blog a little while back. He told me if I stop being a little pussy bitch and man up and fuck some niggas up and bust out a prison I could come back to Heaven.
So yo, I wuz up in that fuckin' place for like 5 minutes before I took that shit over. I was down with the Latin Kings from the jumpoff. They wuz callin' Me 'Hey-Zoos' and shit. I hit the weights, fucked some bitches, stabbed some fuckin' guards, took they guns and shot My way out the front mufuckin' gate!
So yeah, I learned how to fight and shit. But still God wuz like, whatever Jesus you asshole, you been bitching out on Me for 2000 years – now you gots to fucking roll on some atheist niggaz for Me out in Cali.
So I went out there and fucked up those atheist bitches, word is bond. God took Me back last night and wuz like DAAAMMN SON! You been born-again hard as a muthafukka!
Shit nigga, He was so happy He wuz like, go ahead and pop off on any mufucka you hate son. SO THAT'S WHAT I'S IS GONNA DO.
So yo, let Me spit some truf right now. The first mufucka on My List is that mark-ass busta Judas mufuckin' Iscariot.
FUCK YOU JUDAS!
You used to be My homey, you used to be My ace, and now I wanna slap the taste out yo' mouf! You fucking gay-ass bastard. You sold Me out to the mufuckin' Romans, showed them who I wuz by kissin' Me on the mouf, and then left Me hanging on a cross to die! And fo' what? 30 fuckin' pieces of silver. You fuckin' trick-ass busta!
I been patiently waitin' to fuck you up for 1,975 years, bitch. Yeah, you been burning in hell, getting fucked in yo'ass by demons and shit since then, but that shit iz just too good for you. Now you gonna get the beatdown of all eternal beatdowns from Me and My homies. Me and the WHOLE KREW of 11 true-head Apostles is gonna straight fuck your bitch-ass up, Judas.
Fuckin' Petey the Stanky Left-Hand Killa, Big James, John Couga Ho Slappa , Andy the Skull Cruncha, Phil the Rump-Thumpin' Prison Fish, Fat Ugly Melon Balls Bart, Machete Masta Matt, Old Forty Sippa Tom, Lil' Jimmy, Gatmasta Thad, and Simon the Drunken Tang Chasa; yo all dem niggaz is just itchin' to pop a cap in yo'ass! And I'm a let'em too. We gonna make you WISH your punk-ass was back in hell. Shit, you be lucky if you keeps any of yo' teef when we done with yo' dumb ass.
Oh and by the way, I fucked yo' bitch.
October 9, 2008 by God
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Ya wanna know something I really hate? Something I'm really just sick and tired of doing? Forgiving people for their sins. It's stupid, it's a waste of time, and I'm not gonna do it anymore.
All day long every day, all I get is annoying ass humans begging Me to forgive them for their sins. And I've put up with it, and even encouraged it, for far too long. Well no more. If you've committed a sin, don't come knocking on Heaven's door, cause I'm done with that. From now on, if you do something bad you're just going to have to live with the consequences.
Believe Me, if you were in My position, you would've ended this nonsense a long time ago. Your sins are super-boring, ok? I've heard them all a million times before. Here's a few of the completely unoriginal forgive-requests I got in just the last couple of minutes:
"Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen."
"Hey God! Please forgive me for puking up my dinner again. And please forgive me for somehow gaining a pound yesterday. Hug and kisses!"
"God, forgive me getting drunk and killing (?) that kid with my car. Also for calling my mother a dirty whore, even if she is one."
All these people are dumb in their own special way. And you know what? After listening to this tripe every second of every day for 4,000 years, it's gotten to be just a little bit irritating.
Also, I generally don't like it when some schmuck begs My forgiveness for a sin, such as say, oh I don't know, molesting his daughter, and then goes to her room and 'tucks her in' again the very next night. Not cool!
You know, I wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for that nitwit son of mine Jesus. He's the one who had to shout out on the cross, "Father! Forgive them, for they know not what they do!" To which I said, shut your trap, Jesus! You forgive them. Let them believe you died for the world if you want, you narcissistic little bitch, but then you have to forgive them when they pray. But does he do it? No, Jesus almost never answers or forgives anyone; he's too busy smoking weed and listening to his gangster rap albums.
My Jews earn their forgiveness.
Anyway, I guess I'm reminded of all this because it's Yom Kippur today, which is the special day My Chosen Jews set aside to atone for their sins. It's hard to imagine now, but I used to have things all worked out so that I would only be bothered with this forgiveness shit once a year. Did you hear what I just said? ONCE. A. YEAR.
My Jews know how to honor Me. First, they pay upwards of $250 to go to Temple (if they are good Jews), they read from My Book, they fast, they feel guilty for their sins all day, and shit! They even shed precious bulls blood for Me sometimes. And then, only then, do they dare ask for My forgiveness. They're the best.
But these fucking Christians! They ask for forgiveness every five fucking minutes. The nerve of these fucking people!
To My Jewish followers: Thanks for the fasting and the blood sacrifice, but you are not forgiven this year because I am all forgived out. To My Christian followers: be more Jewish. To My Muslim followers: keep up the good work.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
December 2, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
I was sitting on My Eternal Throne just now, pondering things you cannot possibly fathom when I realized: I am very disappointed in every single human being on Earth.
None of you are perfect in My Eyes. You have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of Me. Need I remind you that the wages of sin are demon-rape?
Those of you who confess that you are deeply flawed, sinful humans and pledge to follow Me forever shall be forgiven and live forever in inexplicable glory. Those of you who do not shall die and bake in hell forever and ever in searing agonizing agony.
To instead enjoy an afterlife filled with delicious cakes and hot-air balloon rides and naked virgin supermodels and an endless multitude of other wondrous joys, there is only a few things you must do:
Confess to Me now that you know that you are sinning piece of shit
Beg Me for My Forgiveness
Place your faith in Me and My Son Jesus, who died for you (you selfish bastard)
Believe that We have forgiven you and accept Us into your heart
If you pray for forgiveness right now and really, really mean it, I will forgive you and we can be friends from now on. Otherwise fuck you.
December 5, 2008
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Yesterday I spoke of My Disdain for those who lack the simple faith in Me necessary to get a boner. Today I will focus My Divine Hatred on those who employ satanic science pills to get a boner.
I HATE boner pills! They help old men get erect IN DEFIANCE OF GOD'S WILL!!
Now this should be fairly obvious to any man who has ever had sex before, but let Me explain this in simple terms as I know most of you to be astoundingly stupid.
Young men: when you are near the moment of sex, you must say a little prayer thanking Me for that moment and begging for a turgid cock. If you do not, I will humble you with a floppy, flaccid penis.
Old men: You are not allowed to have sex.
DAMN YOU VIAGRA!
Be you an old man or a faithless sinner, should you decide to bypass My Laws and use science boner pills to have sex anyway, be assured that I will smite you with only the most painful and ironic penis punishments possible.
Be you an old man, your penis will engorge as you had wished, but it shall never go limp. Your erection will last far too long and it shall become painful and you will go to the hospital to see if more science can save you. There they shall remove your penis and you will die shortly thereafter.
Be you a faithless young man, you shall use your boner pills and you shall have your heathen science sex. But you shall be cursed! For you shall never be able to have sex without your boner pills again, and over time they will cease to work, and eventually your penis will fall off from neglect and you will die shortly thereafter.
Are we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the help of science. It doesn't get much simpler than that.
I consider it vitally important that I let everyone know how I feel about this erectile issue. I know some of you have asked Me recently; "Sweet Lord Above, why are you suddenly so concerned with erections, or the lack thereof?"
SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT WHELP!
I use My Holy and Divine Blog to rage on what I see fit! Often these are things I have hated for several millennia. Other times they are things I've hated for only a few hundred years or a few decades. One time I wrote an entire post on someone I had only begun to hate a mere 5 minutes before, a fellow named Dick Franing, who is dead now.
The Lord writes about what He wants!
In this instance, I suddenly remembered how much I hate both boner pills and impotence while watching the NFL on Sunday. Almost every commercial break included three advertisements for Viagra or Cialis. This confused Me, as I know the vast majority of impotent men to be obsessed with Major League Baseball. Anyway, these ads all showed old perverts dancing with their wives, which is also something I forbid.
Bonus* August Rant: I shit gold bricks and your mom’s a shoddy truckstop whore..
Current mood: blah
*Bonus* August Rant: I shit gold bricks and your mom's a shoddy truckstop whore...so go fuck yourself...
Mmmm. Im sure we can see where this is going. Hahah. Here goes the usual Disclaimer...blah blah blah ... If youre easily offended LEAVE. Turn off your computer. Close your laptop. Go cry yourself to sleep. Kill yourself. I could really give a fuck less. Do what you need to but please, PLEASE! Dont bother me while Im venting. I will spew out the worst combinations of curse words and insults you have ever heard in your life at you, and to be honest, youll probably wish you were never born. I refuse to be responsible for another "manic cutting episode."
Im sitting at home thinking about how sick I am of people in general... Sick of lies, stupidity, and such predictability. Im 25 fucking years old and I think I can literally "predict" what any one person is going to do next at any given moment. Theres no.. "Lifes a game of chess...the next move is yours" Theres no.. "suprise me" element to it. Its not strategy, its experience. Bottom line Im fucking bored with it. I hate to be stereotypical, I try not to be.. but that sort of thinking philosophy has gotten me this far... and as far as Im concerned, no one has proved me wrong ...yet.
Im sick of trashy people with low education thinking its OK to belittle me. Im sick of old perverts flashing retarded 'hills have eyes' smiles at me while passing by in thier 19th century ride. "you sure do have a perdy smile" Blegh. I would punch them in the teeth but they only have one left, and I wouldnt want to ruin what seems like a perfect addition to thier whole, "fucking creepy pedophile" look. Im sick of teeny-boppers, their dumbass ideas and how their dumb gay asses always think they are the "first" to do something. Bahahah...
Think again, fucktard.
Im sick of how they are all so confrontational and have no concept of reality or what happens in the real world. Im so sick of peoples flowery stories like, "Im gonna be a rockstar, I know this one famous dude or, I won a million dollars in the lottery but forgot what saftey box I hid it in." Who gives a fuck? We all know your bullshitting but we listen anyway because it amuses us how someone could be so god damned retarded, that they actually believe someone would buy into thier horrendous (poorly fabricated) lies and stories of peril, pride, and predjudice. We just sit and listen to be entertained with OTHER peoples reactions. Lmao.
Im sick of fucking welfare trash. Get a J-O-B you giant mosquito. Quit sucking the life out of the everyone else, then complaining about it. Youre really a drag and should be executed by firing squad. Im sick of druggies, pill poppers, addicts, whatever you want to call them, Im sick of thier complaints about dope sickness and how its so hard, that theyre stuggling so its just easier to snort a line. Wtf? Why did you start doing it in the first place? So after I find that out ... remind me why I should feel sorry for you, loan you a "solid" dollar, or give a shit if you get so "dope sick" your body gives up and starts to kill you from the inside. I dont care.
Anyway- Im getting tired again. Man it always creeps up on me. Guess Ill finish this tomorrow.
Peace-
*Rock$teady*
*Bonus* August Rant: I shit gold bricks and your mom's a shoddy truckstop whore...so go fuck yourself...
Mmmm. Im sure we can see where this is going. Hahah. Here goes the usual Disclaimer...blah blah blah ... If youre easily offended LEAVE. Turn off your computer. Close your laptop. Go cry yourself to sleep. Kill yourself. I could really give a fuck less. Do what you need to but please, PLEASE! Dont bother me while Im venting. I will spew out the worst combinations of curse words and insults you have ever heard in your life at you, and to be honest, youll probably wish you were never born. I refuse to be responsible for another "manic cutting episode."
Im sitting at home thinking about how sick I am of people in general... Sick of lies, stupidity, and such predictability. Im 25 fucking years old and I think I can literally "predict" what any one person is going to do next at any given moment. Theres no.. "Lifes a game of chess...the next move is yours" Theres no.. "suprise me" element to it. Its not strategy, its experience. Bottom line Im fucking bored with it. I hate to be stereotypical, I try not to be.. but that sort of thinking philosophy has gotten me this far... and as far as Im concerned, no one has proved me wrong ...yet.
Im sick of trashy people with low education thinking its OK to belittle me. Im sick of old perverts flashing retarded 'hills have eyes' smiles at me while passing by in thier 19th century ride. "you sure do have a perdy smile" Blegh. I would punch them in the teeth but they only have one left, and I wouldnt want to ruin what seems like a perfect addition to thier whole, "fucking creepy pedophile" look. Im sick of teeny-boppers, their dumbass ideas and how their dumb gay asses always think they are the "first" to do something. Bahahah...
Think again, fucktard.
Im sick of how they are all so confrontational and have no concept of reality or what happens in the real world. Im so sick of peoples flowery stories like, "Im gonna be a rockstar, I know this one famous dude or, I won a million dollars in the lottery but forgot what saftey box I hid it in." Who gives a fuck? We all know your bullshitting but we listen anyway because it amuses us how someone could be so god damned retarded, that they actually believe someone would buy into thier horrendous (poorly fabricated) lies and stories of peril, pride, and predjudice. We just sit and listen to be entertained with OTHER peoples reactions. Lmao.
Im sick of fucking welfare trash. Get a J-O-B you giant mosquito. Quit sucking the life out of the everyone else, then complaining about it. Youre really a drag and should be executed by firing squad. Im sick of druggies, pill poppers, addicts, whatever you want to call them, Im sick of thier complaints about dope sickness and how its so hard, that theyre stuggling so its just easier to snort a line. Wtf? Why did you start doing it in the first place? So after I find that out ... remind me why I should feel sorry for you, loan you a "solid" dollar, or give a shit if you get so "dope sick" your body gives up and starts to kill you from the inside. I dont care.
Anyway- Im getting tired again. Man it always creeps up on me. Guess Ill finish this tomorrow.
Peace-
*Rock$teady*
August Rant: Blah blah blah..Who gives a fuck?
Current mood: bored
So Im sitting here, bored out of my mind.. Thinking about what the fuck I want to do with my life.. when I had a metal block and decided to write a blog. I always see all these updates on other peoples spaces talking about how thier life has changed (YIPEE!) and all kinds of woes and sorrows and I realized... I have never even put anything up about myself except a bunch of lame ass surveys here and there and a bunch of random conversations. Oh! Lets not forget the rants about meaningless bullshit. Ahh, the many ways a blog can be so theraputic. Wierd.
So lets see, where do I start? I'm 25, I act like Im 18. Lol. I think I always will be at heart. I could give two shits what you think so dont bother trying to bring me down. I moved to Florida from Chicago for love and I dont care if that means Im a hopeless romantic. I been through allot of shit. ALLOT. And I guess you could say Im all kinds of fucked up because of it. Slowly but surely though, everything will fall into place... Im a dreamer. It would cost way too much money for a psychiatrist and way too much effort to fix it all and so Im working on one thing at a time. Boo-Fucking-Hoo. Im not perfect. I dont believe in being conservative and I guess you could say thats where all the trouble begins. I'm going to be that 80 year old lady you see with the pink hair (cause I still cant get the "warsh" right) wearing 48.7 pounds of costume jewelery. The old hag swearing at Bingo and bringing in 17 trolls/lighters for luck.
I have come a long, long way and I dont plan on ever looking back. I love MAC make-up and lip-gloss, nice clothes and have a passion for kittens. Im truly someone you would call jaded. Ive been so fucked up and fucked over that Im definately confused on which way is up. I thought I had a strong support system, turns out theyre just as mentally screwed as I am. I love the beach, jewelery and people who can always make me smile. I tend to not realize how important someone is, until they're gone. Ive lived my life like it was going out of style and now Im just trying to put it all back together. I feel so sorry for the people I talked to then who still havent woken up.
So yeah. Ive made a few mistakes. A few really big ones. Lol. But if I could turn back the hands of time.. I wouldnt change a thing. Well, maybe a couple. Heheh. I believe in destiny, astrology and honesty. I love sushi, rollercoasters and hot weather. Im trying to quit smoking, should have never started. Maybe this time Ill succeed. Im good at sales, listening, and giving advice. I have a good understanding of people and so it makes it easy for me to get into their mind. I wish I could apply that shit to myself. I always need to find everything out the hard way. Over and OVER. Lol. I constantly hurt the ones who care about me and I can never figure out why. Im a self-sabotager of sorts. I like video games and I love chocolate, but cant figure out why Dove makes candy and a bar of soap so thats one piece I choose not to chew. Lol. Im totally addicted to RedBull... I figure one day they will find out how bad it really is for you and Ill be sitting at home, cracked out on a case of it, watching a TV infomercial saying I can sue. SCORE!
Most people think I'm a total ruthless bitch until they get to know me. The key word in that sentence is until. That's IF I let you. Im guarded at all times and the walls that I've had to build to protect my heart are stronger than the Hoover fucking Dam so plan on taking your time with me. Seems the less people you let in, the less disappointed you are. People say I give the, "I dont give a fuck" eyes. I never knew there was a term for certain kinds of eyes. I'd better make a mental note of that now... for the next time I plan on making a good impression. Lmao.
I'm with someone I can truly say is my soulmate and probably is the only person on Earth that completely and unquestionably understands every fucking facet of my mind, body, psyche and soul. Thats allot to say about someone, and Im glad I found him because some people spend thier whole life trying to find that. So even though I'm self absorbed, and sometimes a total douche, I can still give credit where its due. Anyway- Im getting tired now. I guess Ill add more to this later. Just wanted to say I had something to update for months to come. Lmao...
Peace-
*Rock$teady*
So Im sitting here, bored out of my mind.. Thinking about what the fuck I want to do with my life.. when I had a metal block and decided to write a blog. I always see all these updates on other peoples spaces talking about how thier life has changed (YIPEE!) and all kinds of woes and sorrows and I realized... I have never even put anything up about myself except a bunch of lame ass surveys here and there and a bunch of random conversations. Oh! Lets not forget the rants about meaningless bullshit. Ahh, the many ways a blog can be so theraputic. Wierd.
So lets see, where do I start? I'm 25, I act like Im 18. Lol. I think I always will be at heart. I could give two shits what you think so dont bother trying to bring me down. I moved to Florida from Chicago for love and I dont care if that means Im a hopeless romantic. I been through allot of shit. ALLOT. And I guess you could say Im all kinds of fucked up because of it. Slowly but surely though, everything will fall into place... Im a dreamer. It would cost way too much money for a psychiatrist and way too much effort to fix it all and so Im working on one thing at a time. Boo-Fucking-Hoo. Im not perfect. I dont believe in being conservative and I guess you could say thats where all the trouble begins. I'm going to be that 80 year old lady you see with the pink hair (cause I still cant get the "warsh" right) wearing 48.7 pounds of costume jewelery. The old hag swearing at Bingo and bringing in 17 trolls/lighters for luck.
I have come a long, long way and I dont plan on ever looking back. I love MAC make-up and lip-gloss, nice clothes and have a passion for kittens. Im truly someone you would call jaded. Ive been so fucked up and fucked over that Im definately confused on which way is up. I thought I had a strong support system, turns out theyre just as mentally screwed as I am. I love the beach, jewelery and people who can always make me smile. I tend to not realize how important someone is, until they're gone. Ive lived my life like it was going out of style and now Im just trying to put it all back together. I feel so sorry for the people I talked to then who still havent woken up.
So yeah. Ive made a few mistakes. A few really big ones. Lol. But if I could turn back the hands of time.. I wouldnt change a thing. Well, maybe a couple. Heheh. I believe in destiny, astrology and honesty. I love sushi, rollercoasters and hot weather. Im trying to quit smoking, should have never started. Maybe this time Ill succeed. Im good at sales, listening, and giving advice. I have a good understanding of people and so it makes it easy for me to get into their mind. I wish I could apply that shit to myself. I always need to find everything out the hard way. Over and OVER. Lol. I constantly hurt the ones who care about me and I can never figure out why. Im a self-sabotager of sorts. I like video games and I love chocolate, but cant figure out why Dove makes candy and a bar of soap so thats one piece I choose not to chew. Lol. Im totally addicted to RedBull... I figure one day they will find out how bad it really is for you and Ill be sitting at home, cracked out on a case of it, watching a TV infomercial saying I can sue. SCORE!
Most people think I'm a total ruthless bitch until they get to know me. The key word in that sentence is until. That's IF I let you. Im guarded at all times and the walls that I've had to build to protect my heart are stronger than the Hoover fucking Dam so plan on taking your time with me. Seems the less people you let in, the less disappointed you are. People say I give the, "I dont give a fuck" eyes. I never knew there was a term for certain kinds of eyes. I'd better make a mental note of that now... for the next time I plan on making a good impression. Lmao.
I'm with someone I can truly say is my soulmate and probably is the only person on Earth that completely and unquestionably understands every fucking facet of my mind, body, psyche and soul. Thats allot to say about someone, and Im glad I found him because some people spend thier whole life trying to find that. So even though I'm self absorbed, and sometimes a total douche, I can still give credit where its due. Anyway- Im getting tired now. I guess Ill add more to this later. Just wanted to say I had something to update for months to come. Lmao...
Peace-
*Rock$teady*
July Rant: I hate Fat HOES Current mood: bitchy
So Im sitting here, browsing profiles, and it dawns on me.. I fuckin hate fat hoes. Please, for the love of God, if anyone is with me on this, comment this m*ther-f*cking post. I feel like Im alone here...
I'm sure there has been one "bigger girl" (to be politically correct) you've known in your life that was definately on the loose end when it came to morals. I mean, yeah guys found them attractive, but at the same time, didn't. This girl was probably what most will refer to as "the practice girl". Oh, Pobrecita. She didn't know it, but other people did. She was the girl, and probably still is, that you would call over when your friends that would bang a hole in the wall (glory hole lovers) were looking for some ass. A few drinks of the hard stuff and dimming the lights would do these boys just fine. But why are these fat hoes soo easy? Does anyone know? Is it that they've realized, thats all they're GOOD for? Because usually, fat hoes are not very bright. So what else can they offer the world besides fellatio and a good rim job?
I especially fucking hate fat hoes that used to be skinny. Back in the day, they were pretty. Then they pop out three kids, their bodies gone to shit, now all the sudden they want to get with every single man they see, especially ones with skinny girlfriends. Seems like its their life's goal to make every female as miserable as they are. Pathetic. What a sad, pitiful way to live. They think its a CHALLENGE. No bitch, the challenge is finding the hole to stick it in, when the room has to be so dark, and the there are just sooo many m*ther-f*cking rolls to sort through. You dont even need to get them drunk. (I know this from experience) They will stick anything in their mouth as long as its shaped like a dick. (Or a twinkie, ho-ho, hot dog, anything food related, basically) I really hate fat hoes who are named after Continents. Its like when the fat hoe popped out of her moms pussy, her mom said, "Damn, thats gonna be a BIG bitch." Fuck naming her after a State or a Season, I better name her after a whole damn Continent. Like Asia or Europe, Fucking North America. I hate fat hoes who put little sayings on their profiles like, "Dont hate me cause Im pretty, hate me cause your BOYFRIEND thinks so" Bahahah BITCH, youre dead wrong. If these fat hoes think for ONE SECOND that our man's think their pretty and thats why they talk to them, they must have been eating a little too many of them special really fattening brownies. Guys who have girlfriends that get with fat hoes, get with them either cause they need to practice a new technique, and dont want to bomb when it really counts, or because the fat hoes will do what their girlfriends wont. The really nasty shit. Like, putting it the ass, or sending raunchy slutty photos of themselves for the boyfriends to laugh and show all their friends what a dumb little fat hoe they are, or pissing on them...things of that sort. (So funny when their girlfriends find them pics and send them to fat hoe porn websites) (...good luck getting paid for that, ya dumb cunts, LMAO) Our boyfriends/husbands would never ask us to do those things. They are too degrading. And since fat hoes have no standards, they are perfect for the job! They are definately cheaper than a prostitute as well, since fat hoes will do it for free! Except for maybe the cost of McDonalds, or Dairy Queen of course. (Food makes them horny BTW. ) (Oh yeah, and maybe also the cost of an abortion, because who wants to bring ANOTHER fat hoe into the world? We already have ENOUGH, lolz.) I hate fat hoes who brag about who they fuck. Its just nasty. STOP. I hate fat hoes that take fifty myspace pictures of their face, at juuuust the right angle...then when you see them in person you wonder how the camera could have possibly helped hide that many pounds. Eeek! I hate fate hoes who act like they arent hungry when they go to restaraunts, BITCH you know you want that chicken wing, lets see how many tries it takes those stubby sausage fingers to pick it up! I fuckin hate fat hoes who ask peoples boyfriends for money. Just cause they fucked someone once they think now all the sudden they are soulmates for life (stage five CLINGER). I hate fat hoes that go out with you and your girls and theyre like "Girl, Im getting LAID tonight.. and the fat bitch puts on the skimpiest outfit she could find, as well as baby powders her rolls. (Better make sure that yeast stay outta them cracks, cause that shit STINKS) I hate fat hoes period. But maybe Ive got them all wrong... Nah, CANT BE...Lol. Anyway- Ill probably add more to this post later... but for now thats enough. I gotta get back to doing more important things..
And BTW, if this post offends you... its not because your fat... because that, I have nothing against...
Its because you're a HOE.
Disclaimer *No fat hoes were harmed in the writing of this rant, unfortunately*
I'm sure there has been one "bigger girl" (to be politically correct) you've known in your life that was definately on the loose end when it came to morals. I mean, yeah guys found them attractive, but at the same time, didn't. This girl was probably what most will refer to as "the practice girl". Oh, Pobrecita. She didn't know it, but other people did. She was the girl, and probably still is, that you would call over when your friends that would bang a hole in the wall (glory hole lovers) were looking for some ass. A few drinks of the hard stuff and dimming the lights would do these boys just fine. But why are these fat hoes soo easy? Does anyone know? Is it that they've realized, thats all they're GOOD for? Because usually, fat hoes are not very bright. So what else can they offer the world besides fellatio and a good rim job?
I especially fucking hate fat hoes that used to be skinny. Back in the day, they were pretty. Then they pop out three kids, their bodies gone to shit, now all the sudden they want to get with every single man they see, especially ones with skinny girlfriends. Seems like its their life's goal to make every female as miserable as they are. Pathetic. What a sad, pitiful way to live. They think its a CHALLENGE. No bitch, the challenge is finding the hole to stick it in, when the room has to be so dark, and the there are just sooo many m*ther-f*cking rolls to sort through. You dont even need to get them drunk. (I know this from experience) They will stick anything in their mouth as long as its shaped like a dick. (Or a twinkie, ho-ho, hot dog, anything food related, basically) I really hate fat hoes who are named after Continents. Its like when the fat hoe popped out of her moms pussy, her mom said, "Damn, thats gonna be a BIG bitch." Fuck naming her after a State or a Season, I better name her after a whole damn Continent. Like Asia or Europe, Fucking North America. I hate fat hoes who put little sayings on their profiles like, "Dont hate me cause Im pretty, hate me cause your BOYFRIEND thinks so" Bahahah BITCH, youre dead wrong. If these fat hoes think for ONE SECOND that our man's think their pretty and thats why they talk to them, they must have been eating a little too many of them special really fattening brownies. Guys who have girlfriends that get with fat hoes, get with them either cause they need to practice a new technique, and dont want to bomb when it really counts, or because the fat hoes will do what their girlfriends wont. The really nasty shit. Like, putting it the ass, or sending raunchy slutty photos of themselves for the boyfriends to laugh and show all their friends what a dumb little fat hoe they are, or pissing on them...things of that sort. (So funny when their girlfriends find them pics and send them to fat hoe porn websites) (...good luck getting paid for that, ya dumb cunts, LMAO) Our boyfriends/husbands would never ask us to do those things. They are too degrading. And since fat hoes have no standards, they are perfect for the job! They are definately cheaper than a prostitute as well, since fat hoes will do it for free! Except for maybe the cost of McDonalds, or Dairy Queen of course. (Food makes them horny BTW. ) (Oh yeah, and maybe also the cost of an abortion, because who wants to bring ANOTHER fat hoe into the world? We already have ENOUGH, lolz.) I hate fat hoes who brag about who they fuck. Its just nasty. STOP. I hate fat hoes that take fifty myspace pictures of their face, at juuuust the right angle...then when you see them in person you wonder how the camera could have possibly helped hide that many pounds. Eeek! I hate fate hoes who act like they arent hungry when they go to restaraunts, BITCH you know you want that chicken wing, lets see how many tries it takes those stubby sausage fingers to pick it up! I fuckin hate fat hoes who ask peoples boyfriends for money. Just cause they fucked someone once they think now all the sudden they are soulmates for life (stage five CLINGER). I hate fat hoes that go out with you and your girls and theyre like "Girl, Im getting LAID tonight.. and the fat bitch puts on the skimpiest outfit she could find, as well as baby powders her rolls. (Better make sure that yeast stay outta them cracks, cause that shit STINKS) I hate fat hoes period. But maybe Ive got them all wrong... Nah, CANT BE...Lol. Anyway- Ill probably add more to this post later... but for now thats enough. I gotta get back to doing more important things..
And BTW, if this post offends you... its not because your fat... because that, I have nothing against...
Its because you're a HOE.
Disclaimer *No fat hoes were harmed in the writing of this rant, unfortunately*
June Rant: Stupid Bitches And How To Like Them, When You Have To.
Current mood: nauseated
I'm really in a bad mood, so Ill prolly say more than a few rude things during the course of this...
For every guy/girl out there, there is at least one female they would like nothing better than to give her both barrels when it comes to telling her exactly how you feel, angry even hate if she is really that bad. Why? Well you have your reasons and I have mine, but lets just accept the fact that every person we run into is not always going to be plucky and enjoyable to know. Personally I cannot stand loud mouthed hos who think they are the shit. Seriously not only is it a turn off for dudes for some girl to come up and tell me what she did with some guy or to confide in him that she has a stable of guys for bootycalls and there is "a stall open for him." To top it off if they work with you and think everytime the screw up a task its okay because they are cute, or at least the think they are, because they have warped their body image in their mind like they were constantly looking into a funhouse mirror. I'm sure you have your poster child for condoms you want to tout.Sadly though we can't simply walkthrough life verbal guns a-blazing. For one, there maybe some people out there that actually like this stupid bitch you have to deal with. It could be a best friend's girlfriend, it could be a coworker or superior, it could be a family memeber, hell it could even be the mother of your children. Even worse they may hold influence over something important to you, like your bank loan, your surgical prepping, your tax return, and hopefully not your possible conviction and sentencing. More likely they may be friends with your girlfriend or the woman you want to date. Point is you will at some point have to tolerate them.Keep in mind what tolerate means, it means you put up with something even though you don't like it. So you put up with this stupid bitch, and sometime you may even find yourself needing to pretend you are cool with them. You have to fake it. It sucks, it feels beneath you, dishonest even. But just like on every toliet seat, their are assholes in life you are going to come in contact with that you have to deal with. It takes a lot of work, its like training yourself to build resistances to certain posions, you have to start with small doses. Limit your interactions, especially the one on one stuff. If possible have a bunch of people, who are not douchebags, around when you have to do something with this person. Its like being trapped in a car with the windows locked and somebody farts, if you were alone you would pass out and die from the fumes. Fortunately these other poor souls who are stranded with you are heaving in the same noxious shit you are having to, spreading out the amount of gas intake amongst the group. You can take solace in knowing that they are sharing your discomfort, plus this bitch you are dealing with can't focus all her douchebaggery on you. Eventually you can wait her out, either she will finally do something worth busting her chops over or she will piss someone else off or the whole group. Either way is fine, you just have to deal with them for as long as it serves some purpose. And then they can't do anything back about it, when you finally ream them they're helpless... kind of like pushing a parapelegic in a wheelchair down a steep hill... adding into oncoming traffic is optional. But either way dealing with it for a little while is always worth it in the end. The DOUCHE always comes out of the bag eventually.
Oh- By the way... I hate fat hoes too. (No, I didnt say fat girls, so all you fatties can x-out the hate mail, I said fat HOES. Theres a difference.) For some reason they are soooo much worse than skinny hoes. Blegh. But thats a completely different subject. Today we're talking about stupid bitches ....
I'm really in a bad mood, so Ill prolly say more than a few rude things during the course of this...
For every guy/girl out there, there is at least one female they would like nothing better than to give her both barrels when it comes to telling her exactly how you feel, angry even hate if she is really that bad. Why? Well you have your reasons and I have mine, but lets just accept the fact that every person we run into is not always going to be plucky and enjoyable to know. Personally I cannot stand loud mouthed hos who think they are the shit. Seriously not only is it a turn off for dudes for some girl to come up and tell me what she did with some guy or to confide in him that she has a stable of guys for bootycalls and there is "a stall open for him." To top it off if they work with you and think everytime the screw up a task its okay because they are cute, or at least the think they are, because they have warped their body image in their mind like they were constantly looking into a funhouse mirror. I'm sure you have your poster child for condoms you want to tout.Sadly though we can't simply walkthrough life verbal guns a-blazing. For one, there maybe some people out there that actually like this stupid bitch you have to deal with. It could be a best friend's girlfriend, it could be a coworker or superior, it could be a family memeber, hell it could even be the mother of your children. Even worse they may hold influence over something important to you, like your bank loan, your surgical prepping, your tax return, and hopefully not your possible conviction and sentencing. More likely they may be friends with your girlfriend or the woman you want to date. Point is you will at some point have to tolerate them.Keep in mind what tolerate means, it means you put up with something even though you don't like it. So you put up with this stupid bitch, and sometime you may even find yourself needing to pretend you are cool with them. You have to fake it. It sucks, it feels beneath you, dishonest even. But just like on every toliet seat, their are assholes in life you are going to come in contact with that you have to deal with. It takes a lot of work, its like training yourself to build resistances to certain posions, you have to start with small doses. Limit your interactions, especially the one on one stuff. If possible have a bunch of people, who are not douchebags, around when you have to do something with this person. Its like being trapped in a car with the windows locked and somebody farts, if you were alone you would pass out and die from the fumes. Fortunately these other poor souls who are stranded with you are heaving in the same noxious shit you are having to, spreading out the amount of gas intake amongst the group. You can take solace in knowing that they are sharing your discomfort, plus this bitch you are dealing with can't focus all her douchebaggery on you. Eventually you can wait her out, either she will finally do something worth busting her chops over or she will piss someone else off or the whole group. Either way is fine, you just have to deal with them for as long as it serves some purpose. And then they can't do anything back about it, when you finally ream them they're helpless... kind of like pushing a parapelegic in a wheelchair down a steep hill... adding into oncoming traffic is optional. But either way dealing with it for a little while is always worth it in the end. The DOUCHE always comes out of the bag eventually.
Oh- By the way... I hate fat hoes too. (No, I didnt say fat girls, so all you fatties can x-out the hate mail, I said fat HOES. Theres a difference.) For some reason they are soooo much worse than skinny hoes. Blegh. But thats a completely different subject. Today we're talking about stupid bitches ....
57 Girl Confessions
1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? I love it!
2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress? Depends on where Im going. I like the short poofy dresses, actually.
3. What would you do if you received a long love letter? Ive recieved a few, and I would keep it forever!
4. Group dates or single dates? Single dates for sure! I like the group dates every once and awhile though.
5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends? I fucking cant STAND it.
6. Are diamonds a girl's best friend? Ive seen Blood Diamond. Yet still, I am drawn to things that sparkle. So YES!!
7. Is your hair up or down today? Its up... I was cleaning all day.
8. Do you straighten your hair? Yes. Not all the time though.
9. Favorite mascara? MAC Mascara X
10. Do you get your nails done? Like, every two weeks.
11. Small or large purses? SMALL
12. In your purse, what are your must haves? Lip Glass, Concealer, VS Very Sexy Lotion, Mascara, Batteries (for my camera) My ID, and some FUNDS.
13. Jeans or sweats? JEANS Def
14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable? Shoes, yeah. You gotta break them in, HELLO.
15. Do you text message a lot? All the time. More than I talk on the phone.
16. What would you do if you got pregnant? Kill myself. Kill the person who did it to me first though.
17. What's your favorite color? Pink/Black
18. Heels or flats? Heels, can never have enough.
19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie? Uhm.. almost everytime.
20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on? Yeah, why not?
21. Walmart or Target? Walmart. Fuck a Target.
22. Do you wear collared shirts? Bahah, no.
23. Do you like preppy boys? To look at, of course. They are cuties. Preppy boys are pussies though.
24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!? Of course.
25. Do you own any big sunglasses? Hahah, yeah, like 10 of them.
26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? In the morning? like 20 minutes.
27. Do you like to wear band-aids? not if I dont need them.
28. Do you like skater boys? Hahah, theyre cute too, but Im a tad old for that now.
29. Do you often wish there was something you could change? Not really. Everything happens for a reason. But if it was ANYTHING, I would change one... thing.
30. Gold or silver? White gold
31. Do you like to receive flowers? Of course. *cough* (Rainbow Roses)
32. Do you like surfer boys? Not really.
33. Do you dress up for the holidays? Yeah, who doesnt?
34. Do you like to wear dresseses? I LOVE dresses.
35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you? 5. Once you get to know them, theyre pretty easy to figure out.
36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy? Yeah. Lol. What am I five?
37. Would you date a guy shorter than you? No. Blegh. If a guy is shorter than ME, he really needs help.
38. Do you like to hold hands? Sometimes
39. What is the youngest you would date? 22
40. What is the oldest you would date? 30
41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy? Shoes, teeth, Hair
42. Is it hott when guys sweat? Depends on what hes doing, I mean working hard and being all manly is SEXY, but sweating just to sweat (like ass sweating, or pit stains in AC) NOT Fucking cool, my friend.
43. What is the best feature in a guy? Teeth! I love straight teeth, but I like it when they have that one indented tooth on the side, SO HOT. It gives them character.
44. Do you like making eye contact? Depends.
46. Would you kill for chocolate? At times of the month, FUCK YES
47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy? Hahah, plenty of times.
48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping? 11.
49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show? I dont miss it. I have TIVO.
50. Do you yell a lot? Not really. Im pretty chill.
51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work? Absolutely not.
52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy? Dont, Think... So.
53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems? When I was like 15.
54. What makeup could you not live w/ out? MAC
55. Do you fall in love easily? Not really. Im really jaded. It takes me a looong while to really open up to someone.
56. Do you have cramps? Not now. But when I do... BAD
57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever? YESSSSSSSSS
1.Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? In my pool, tonight.
2 .What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? I made 100 bucks for doing something stupid.
3. How many TRUE best friends do you have? like, 4 or 5
4.Would you rather get up early or sleep in? Sleep in for sure!
5.Tell me about the shirt you're wearing? It says "pick me" and it has a picture of the dude from the simpsons picking his nose.
6. What are you excited about right now? Tomorrow. Cant tell ya what Im doing though, then Id have to kill you.
8. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? Cry over the truth. Learned that the hard way.
9. What's on your bedroom floor right now? Me! Lol. My Laptop, a Beer, and my Cell Phone.
10. Who's the last person you got into a argument with? My sister when I went on vacation and she took the car. Lol. How stupid was that?
11. Do you trust people? No! I hate everyone I meet at first, then sometimes I still hate them later.
12. If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? I wouldnt move anywhere, I once dreamed to be where I am now.
13. Your favorite number? 6
14. Could you go a day without eating? Hahah yes. One time I was soo poor, I cried when I saw food. But thats life.
15. How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl? It doesnt. If you make me feel like a princess, and if you can make me laugh, your perfect just the way you are.
16. Do you like anybody right now? I like allot of people.
17. When was the last time you had your hair cut? OMG. I dont know.
18. Would you rather be mad or sad? Mad. That goes away quicker. I get mad and then I laugh, then I forget I was ever mad at all.
19. Does it take a lot to make you cry? It takes something really harsh. Unless its a sad movie, thats a good cry. (Or a wedding, or new baby, or a graduation... Ok ok I guess it doesnt take that much.)
20. Whats the best feeling in the world? Being Loved. Helping others.
21.Are you close with your mom? Were like sisters!
22. Are your parents strict? They were, but they apologized for that like a million times, Lol.
23. Do you tell your parents everything? Almost. They support me no matter what.
25. Name some fears you have: Blood, Death, Heights, Balloons. Oh and tying rubberbands on fingers.
26. Does the thought of marriage scare you? I dont need the government involved in my love life, thank you very much.
27. How many kids do you want? 1
28. What's your favorite season? SUMMER!!!!!!!!
29. What's your favorite color to wear? Pink, Blue.
30. Who was the last person in your bedroom? My BOO
31. What are you doing today? Nothing, todays over buddy.
35. Do you get bored easily? Depends, if Im doing something I wanted to do in the first place. With Jobs, if it isnt challenging anymore, I start to hate it.
36. What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? Yawn out loud.
37. Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? All the time!
38. Do you wish you were famous? Not really. According to Britney Spears its not all its cracked up to be.
39. Do you make a wish at 11:11? Uhm... NO?
40. When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more? Lay out def.
41. Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? It said, " WTF Betch are you ignoring me?"
42. What are you freakishly obsessed with? *MAC* makeups and Megan Fox
43. What's your favorite song at the moment? I dont know, prolly the one on my myspace.
44. Do you like going to the mall to shop or just shopping online? Mall.
45.Can music affect your mood? Yes. For fucking sure.
46. What piercings do you want? Already have them. *chuckles*
48.Have you ever been in a cave? Yeah Damnit, its scary.
49.Ever eaten a bug? Prolly without knowing it... on purpose though, HELL NO
50. When will you hang out with the person you last kissed next? Tomorrow Morning.
51. Are you in a good mood? Always
53. Would you rather skydive or bungee jump? Already bungee jumped, so I guess skydive.
54. Do you like snakes? Yeah.
55. What's one place you would like to visit? Brazil
56. Do you like waffles? Love em.'Specially homemade ones.
57. Does the number 23 have any significance to you? Not...really. Michael Jordan was 23 though
58. Be honest, do you like people in general? Nope.
59. What color are the walls in your bedroom? White...lame.
60.Do you think starbucks is expensive? Not really
61. Are you named after a family member? No
62. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass or fail? Unfortunately, I would probably fail... miserably.
63. Wanting to tell someone something? I guess... but I wont.
64. Last restaurant you went to? Margherita Mamas
65. What is the weather like today? Hott!!!
66. What happened yesterday? Um...dont remember.
67. What would you do with five million dollars? Alllllllot of things. Save it mostly.
68. How many hours did you sleep last night? Like 3.
69. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Not...really.
70. Who's the last person that you felt was stalking you? Hahah.. I wont say. They are a nice person... just dont get it all yet. Thats being young for you...
71. Have you ever been on your school's track team? Yeh. Heh.
72. Have you cried today? No
73. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? I hope.
74. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call, but never do? Sometimes.
75. What did you dress up as for Halloween? Strawberry Shortcake/ The Babe.
*YEARS GONE BY SURVEY*
5 YEARS AGO- 2002:
1. How old were you? 19
2. Were you in school? Nope.
3. If so, where? What year were you in? Not in school, schmuck.
4. Who was your best friend? Michelle
5. Were you single or taken? Taken
6. If you were taken, who were you dating? Frankee
7. How long did that last? Why? Lasted a while. Why? Because we were in love, duh.
8. On a Friday where could you be found? At work, or at my house drinkin Soco, or at B's
9. Hobbies? Drinking, Dancing, Promotion shit.
10. Where did you work? No where you need to know about.
11. Where you happy with your life? Yeah, I would say that
12. Where did you live? Willowbrook
13. What was the best thing about that year of your life? Dont remember.
14. Given the chance would you change anything about that year of your life? Nope.
15. What was your greatest accomplishment at this age? Living on my own.
4 YEARS AGO- 2003:
1. Where did you go to school? What year were you in? I didnt hoebag
2. Who was your best friend? Mandi
3. Were you dating anyone? Yes
4. For how long and why did it end? A loong time.. it ended cause we grew apart. and we'd been through toooooooo much.
5. Did you have any hobbies? No good ones. heheheh.
6. Was this year better than the previous year? I guess.
7. Would you change anything about it if you could? Nope. Never.
8. Highlight of this year of your life? Hotelz were fun! ...Mandi.
9. Greatest accomplishment at this age? No new ones.
10. Were you still living at home? Fuck no.
11. Overall, were you happy with your life at this point? YESSS.
12. Biggest mistake made at this age: Thats something that only I need to know.
13. What kind of car did you have? Did you parents buy it for you? 2002 Honda Civic...nope.
14. Where did you work? Still Noneya Biz
15. Did you have an idea of what you wanted to do with your life? I had a few very stupid ideas.
3 YEARS AGO- 2004:
1. Who was your best friend? Amanda
2. Who were you dating? My Current BOO
3. Why did this relationship end? It didnt.
4. On on Friday night where could you be found? In front of Gabes.. with all our other friends.... or at work, or at the club!
5. Any hobbies? Clubbing, drinking, working out, promotions.
6. Was this year better than the year before? Yeah.
7. Where did you work? STILL Noneya
8. Were you still driving the same car? Yeah.
9. High point of the year? Dont remember.
10. Learn any life lessons this year? aLOT.
11. Where did you live? Westmont.
12. Any regrets at this age? A few.
13. Would you do it all over again, without changing a thing, if you could? No Id change a few things.
14. Would you go back in time to change something about your life at this age if you could? YES.
15. What was your age? 21
2 YEARS AGO- 2005:
1. How old were you? 22
2. Had you decided what you wanted to be when you 'grew up' ? Hahah. I thought I did.
3. Had you had a long term relationship? TWO
4. At this point in your life, had your heart ever been broken? Many, MANY times.
5. Who was your best friend? Lisa
6. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? How long did you date? Still are.
7. Had you thought about marriage and who you wanted to marry yet? Hahah. Thought about it... but still undecided as to WHOM. lol.
8. What year were you in in school? I wasnt, goddamnit shithead, get with it.
9. Were you happy with your life? yeah.
10. Was this year better than the preceding year? I could say that.
11. If you could not change a single thing, would you do it over again? YES
12. Anything unexpected happen during this year of your life? aLOT of things.
13. What was you biggest mistake made at this age? Dont ask me this again, same one as 19.
14. Where did you work? STILL Noneya hahaha
15. Had you been in love? YES TWICE
1 YEAR AGO- 2006:
1. How old were you? 23
2. Highlight of your year at this age? Hahah... I wouldnt say it was a highlight. Goddamn Tampa Police.
3. Who were you dating? Same person.
4. Were you done with school? Thank god yes.
5. Who were you dating? Uhm... you smokin some good shit arent you?
6. How long did you date this person & why did it end? It didnt end, fool.
7. HaD you figured your life out at this point? I dont think I ever will.
8. Were you happy? I guess.
9. Would you change anything if you could? YES! OMG YES.
10. Did you still have the same job as you did the year before? Yes. and the year before and before and so on.
11. Hobbies? Community Service. Lol.
12. Best friend? Gabe
13. Were you in love? YES!
14. Did you have a job or a career? Sort of. I guess you could make it a career. Lmao.
15. Still drive the same car as you did the year before? No I had the 05 Camry now.
THIS YEAR- 2007:
1. How old are you? uhm this is a year behind (and NO I didnt just realize that) but 24
2. Are you happy with your life as a whole? Yes, absolutely.
3. Are you single or taken? Taken.
4. How long have you been with your significant other? A while.
5. Biggest life lesson learned this year? Dont take anything for granted.
6. Do you know what you want to do with your life career wise? Nope...not yet.
7. Do you know who you want to marry? Dont want to marry.
8. Are you still in school? What kind of retard are you? NO!!!!
9. Do you still live with your parents? Bahahah uhm.. no.
10. Where do you work? VP...short for noneya. but not that kind of noneya...not like before.
11. Is this year better than the previous 5? Its...ok.
12. Have you 'found' yourself? Yeah, I would say so.
13. Highlight of your year? Freedom!!!!!!!!
14. Would you change anything about this year if you could? maybe ONE thing.
15. Rate you life right now on a scale of 1-10: 8
11:59 PM
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Thursday, July 03, 2008
There needs to be a group for survey addicts Current mood: optimistic
Odd Facts about ME
DO YOU SNORE?: Only when I'm drunk.
—————LOVER OR A FIGHTER?: A little of both, I hate confrontation, but I do get mad sometimes, Ill fight for what I want
—————WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?: Death, I keep thinking Im getting older and older... oh thats the OCD
—————AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?: Yeah... Now I just play the video games! Lol.
—————WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?: Loves it! The hills, Tila, ABDC, I love em all!
—————DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?: Not... really. Its kind of nasty.
—————WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?: Who wasnt?
—————HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?: I dont know, its been a while since I been, I cant remember the last time I was.
—————WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?: Black and silver.
—————DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?: No. I dont sing, unless Im in the car... and its really, really dark outside. So ppl dont think Im talking to myself
—————HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?: Yes. AWESOME I must say.
—————ANY SECRET TALENTS?: Not that I can write in a random survey...lol
—————WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?: Brazil, Puerto Rico
—————HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?: Alllll the time! I love the Hibachi Bar!!!
—————HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?: With Johnny Depp? IF not, nope.
—————DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?: Of course. But what can I do? Pfft.
—————HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?: Ask the owl. I would hope he knew by now.
—————CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?: yeah i guess, if i tried.
—————HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?: many many times! Not scary anymore! Yay!
—————ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?: hahahah. They can be. (David Beckham) I think theyre funny though
—————WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?: No!!!! Poor Bambi. People who like to hunt are fricken freaks.
—————IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?: Probably not. Why involve the government if you dont have to?
—————DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?: Sometimes, depends on how much Red bull Ive drank. After a few it starts looking like chicken scratch.
—————WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?: Febreze, used to be aleve, but the other day I took one out of desperation and nothing happened so... *coughs*
—————WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU": A few minutes ago... *bats eyelashes*
—————IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?: Hopefully. Maybe hell come back and bitch slap all these wannabes
—————DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?: Yes. I cry when I see them on TV. Im so soft!
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?: Well Done..I actually dont like eggs that much at all. But when I do eat them... I like them cooked and scrambled
—————ARE BLONDES DUMB?: They seem to be. Id rather be brunette lets just put it that way
—————WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?: I have no fucking idea. You let ME know when you find out.
—————WHAT TIME IS IT?: 10:00
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?: Rock$teady, Weavo.
—————IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?: No Im lovin it
—————WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?: Yesterday
—————DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?: Baths... candles, bubbles...mmm
—————IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?: I should hope so, I been good all year cause I really want an Ipod
—————ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?: YES!!! OMG YES
—————WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?: Cigarettes, Red Bull, MAC makeup, Star Magazine, Yankee Candles, and The Hills...
—————CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?: Creamy all the way!
—————HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?: Yes
—————HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?: Twice
—————IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?: Depends who's asking...*looks around*
—————ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?: No. Im flintstoning it
—————HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?: Yes. Once.. and its a realllllly long story
—————WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?: Hazel
—————WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: When I came back from Chicago this last time
—————DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?: Who wouldnt like my life?
—————WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?: well who are we comparing it to? I mean, like, paris hiltons life is better but how many people really live like her?
—————ARE YOU PSYCHIC?: I dont think so, although SOMETIMES, I have dreams and then they really happen like a year later. Its weird.
—————HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?: I think for school once.
—————DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?: Uhm, not really.
—————CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?: Hahhahah.
—————DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?: Yeah if your with the right people, and you have allllot of bug spray
—————DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?: once in a GREAT while
—————DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?: No
—————IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?: I should hope not, because then that man should really start re-evaluating his life choices
—————YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?: Why wouldnt I? If it doesnt work out, get the fuck out of there! Dont let the bitch take it all! Get a Pre-nup.
—————DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?: Yeah, I doubt she ever goes on it though.
—————WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?: Pizza Hut...mmmm breadsticks.
—————DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?: Allll the time. I just broke a nail today too, pretty bad. It bled. I almost passed the fuck out.
—————
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?: Yes. I like allot of people.
—————WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?: Free Credit Report Dot Com....BLEGHHHHHH and those gay ass weed (live above the influence) commercials
—————DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?: I used to. Not anymore.
—————FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?: Lil Wayne, I think hes hardly considered a 'band' though
—————
Long & Random. Check this out.
1. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Pistachio
2. Cable or Satellite? Satellite, but you have to have ON DEMAND
3. Favorite video game? Halo 3!!!!!!! I will kick your ASS!
4. Do you have to sleep with a fan on at night? Yes... Or else I will DIE
5. Your feelings on global warming? Were all gonna drown
6. Do you still have a VCR somewhere? Yeah I still have like 75 VHS's
7. Been on a sailboat? Yeah
8. Two of your best friends are fighting. Your reaction? Screw you guys, Im going home
9. Home Depot or Lowes? Home Depot
10. Beer or Hard Liquor? BEER! (unless a chocolate martini is involved)
11. Best movie you've seen recently? The Hulk
12. Would you walk across broken glass for $100? probably
13. Your feelings on dolphins? Sooo Cute!!!
14. Would you ever rob a bank? No, im too scary
15. Do you plan out your day before it begins? Sometimes, if Im excited about the next day.
16. What kind of digital camera do you have? Sony
17. Can you fall asleep with your eyes open? No, thats for freaks.
18. Winter or Summer? Summer! All the time.
19. Your ex's car breaks down and they ask you for a lift. Your response? Help them, Ex's are ppl too
20. Your feelings on Britney? Boo. You Whore. GO AWAY
21. Do you go to the gym regularly? Not recently. I did before though. UGH that doesnt count.
22. Ever play with model trains? No, im not a serial killer.
23. You've just bought a new house. What color will you paint the walls in the living room? Depends on the color of the carpet.
24. Best subject in school? English
25. What are your goals for this year? Tooo many to list
26. Do you spread false rumors about people just for the hell of it? No, cuz i hate when other people do it
27. Do you consider yourself religious? I believe. But Im not Hardcore
28. Internet Explorer or Firefox? IE
29. Ever play online poker? No, but I know someone who does, like 24/7
30. For real money? I just said no, schmuck
31. Describe the first house you lived in. Cant remember
32. Do you want to kick someone in the face right now? Yeah, my cat.
33. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball
34. You see someone running around naked in the street. Your reaction? Hahahah. Schmuck. Point and laugh. Hahahah.
35. How much syrup do you put on your waffles and/or pancakes for breakfast? aLOT
36. Favorite junk food? Flaming hot fries
37. Bottled water. Yes or no? Yes. Definately
38. Do you have a lot of candles in your room? YES I love Yankee Candles
39. Are the files in your computer well organized or all over the place? Well organized
40. Are there dogs barking in your neighborhood right now? No but fireworks are going off
41. Where would you most like to be right now? Miami
42. Do you own a sleeping bag? Not anymore
43. UFC. Entertaining or stupid? Entertaining
44. Favorite reality show? The Hills
45. What was the first CD you ever bought? One of those NOW Cds probably
46. Are all infomercials completely pointless? Im gullible, so no. But I wish they would stop being so damn convincing!
47. Who are you voting for in 2008? Obama, *body chill* since they left no other choice
48. If money was no object, what car would you drive? Bugatti Veyron
49. Last 5 played songs in your Itunes playlist? Overdose, Truth Trust, Foolish, Toy Soldiers, and Got it Twisted
50. Was this survey random enough for you? Not really. It was sort of GAY.
2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress? Depends on where Im going. I like the short poofy dresses, actually.
3. What would you do if you received a long love letter? Ive recieved a few, and I would keep it forever!
4. Group dates or single dates? Single dates for sure! I like the group dates every once and awhile though.
5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends? I fucking cant STAND it.
6. Are diamonds a girl's best friend? Ive seen Blood Diamond. Yet still, I am drawn to things that sparkle. So YES!!
7. Is your hair up or down today? Its up... I was cleaning all day.
8. Do you straighten your hair? Yes. Not all the time though.
9. Favorite mascara? MAC Mascara X
10. Do you get your nails done? Like, every two weeks.
11. Small or large purses? SMALL
12. In your purse, what are your must haves? Lip Glass, Concealer, VS Very Sexy Lotion, Mascara, Batteries (for my camera) My ID, and some FUNDS.
13. Jeans or sweats? JEANS Def
14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable? Shoes, yeah. You gotta break them in, HELLO.
15. Do you text message a lot? All the time. More than I talk on the phone.
16. What would you do if you got pregnant? Kill myself. Kill the person who did it to me first though.
17. What's your favorite color? Pink/Black
18. Heels or flats? Heels, can never have enough.
19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie? Uhm.. almost everytime.
20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on? Yeah, why not?
21. Walmart or Target? Walmart. Fuck a Target.
22. Do you wear collared shirts? Bahah, no.
23. Do you like preppy boys? To look at, of course. They are cuties. Preppy boys are pussies though.
24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!? Of course.
25. Do you own any big sunglasses? Hahah, yeah, like 10 of them.
26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? In the morning? like 20 minutes.
27. Do you like to wear band-aids? not if I dont need them.
28. Do you like skater boys? Hahah, theyre cute too, but Im a tad old for that now.
29. Do you often wish there was something you could change? Not really. Everything happens for a reason. But if it was ANYTHING, I would change one... thing.
30. Gold or silver? White gold
31. Do you like to receive flowers? Of course. *cough* (Rainbow Roses)
32. Do you like surfer boys? Not really.
33. Do you dress up for the holidays? Yeah, who doesnt?
34. Do you like to wear dresseses? I LOVE dresses.
35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you? 5. Once you get to know them, theyre pretty easy to figure out.
36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy? Yeah. Lol. What am I five?
37. Would you date a guy shorter than you? No. Blegh. If a guy is shorter than ME, he really needs help.
38. Do you like to hold hands? Sometimes
39. What is the youngest you would date? 22
40. What is the oldest you would date? 30
41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy? Shoes, teeth, Hair
42. Is it hott when guys sweat? Depends on what hes doing, I mean working hard and being all manly is SEXY, but sweating just to sweat (like ass sweating, or pit stains in AC) NOT Fucking cool, my friend.
43. What is the best feature in a guy? Teeth! I love straight teeth, but I like it when they have that one indented tooth on the side, SO HOT. It gives them character.
44. Do you like making eye contact? Depends.
46. Would you kill for chocolate? At times of the month, FUCK YES
47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy? Hahah, plenty of times.
48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping? 11.
49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show? I dont miss it. I have TIVO.
50. Do you yell a lot? Not really. Im pretty chill.
51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work? Absolutely not.
52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy? Dont, Think... So.
53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems? When I was like 15.
54. What makeup could you not live w/ out? MAC
55. Do you fall in love easily? Not really. Im really jaded. It takes me a looong while to really open up to someone.
56. Do you have cramps? Not now. But when I do... BAD
57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever? YESSSSSSSSS
1.Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? In my pool, tonight.
2 .What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? I made 100 bucks for doing something stupid.
3. How many TRUE best friends do you have? like, 4 or 5
4.Would you rather get up early or sleep in? Sleep in for sure!
5.Tell me about the shirt you're wearing? It says "pick me" and it has a picture of the dude from the simpsons picking his nose.
6. What are you excited about right now? Tomorrow. Cant tell ya what Im doing though, then Id have to kill you.
8. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? Cry over the truth. Learned that the hard way.
9. What's on your bedroom floor right now? Me! Lol. My Laptop, a Beer, and my Cell Phone.
10. Who's the last person you got into a argument with? My sister when I went on vacation and she took the car. Lol. How stupid was that?
11. Do you trust people? No! I hate everyone I meet at first, then sometimes I still hate them later.
12. If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? I wouldnt move anywhere, I once dreamed to be where I am now.
13. Your favorite number? 6
14. Could you go a day without eating? Hahah yes. One time I was soo poor, I cried when I saw food. But thats life.
15. How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl? It doesnt. If you make me feel like a princess, and if you can make me laugh, your perfect just the way you are.
16. Do you like anybody right now? I like allot of people.
17. When was the last time you had your hair cut? OMG. I dont know.
18. Would you rather be mad or sad? Mad. That goes away quicker. I get mad and then I laugh, then I forget I was ever mad at all.
19. Does it take a lot to make you cry? It takes something really harsh. Unless its a sad movie, thats a good cry. (Or a wedding, or new baby, or a graduation... Ok ok I guess it doesnt take that much.)
20. Whats the best feeling in the world? Being Loved. Helping others.
21.Are you close with your mom? Were like sisters!
22. Are your parents strict? They were, but they apologized for that like a million times, Lol.
23. Do you tell your parents everything? Almost. They support me no matter what.
25. Name some fears you have: Blood, Death, Heights, Balloons. Oh and tying rubberbands on fingers.
26. Does the thought of marriage scare you? I dont need the government involved in my love life, thank you very much.
27. How many kids do you want? 1
28. What's your favorite season? SUMMER!!!!!!!!
29. What's your favorite color to wear? Pink, Blue.
30. Who was the last person in your bedroom? My BOO
31. What are you doing today? Nothing, todays over buddy.
35. Do you get bored easily? Depends, if Im doing something I wanted to do in the first place. With Jobs, if it isnt challenging anymore, I start to hate it.
36. What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? Yawn out loud.
37. Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? All the time!
38. Do you wish you were famous? Not really. According to Britney Spears its not all its cracked up to be.
39. Do you make a wish at 11:11? Uhm... NO?
40. When you go to the beach do you swim or lay out more? Lay out def.
41. Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? It said, " WTF Betch are you ignoring me?"
42. What are you freakishly obsessed with? *MAC* makeups and Megan Fox
43. What's your favorite song at the moment? I dont know, prolly the one on my myspace.
44. Do you like going to the mall to shop or just shopping online? Mall.
45.Can music affect your mood? Yes. For fucking sure.
46. What piercings do you want? Already have them. *chuckles*
48.Have you ever been in a cave? Yeah Damnit, its scary.
49.Ever eaten a bug? Prolly without knowing it... on purpose though, HELL NO
50. When will you hang out with the person you last kissed next? Tomorrow Morning.
51. Are you in a good mood? Always
53. Would you rather skydive or bungee jump? Already bungee jumped, so I guess skydive.
54. Do you like snakes? Yeah.
55. What's one place you would like to visit? Brazil
56. Do you like waffles? Love em.'Specially homemade ones.
57. Does the number 23 have any significance to you? Not...really. Michael Jordan was 23 though
58. Be honest, do you like people in general? Nope.
59. What color are the walls in your bedroom? White...lame.
60.Do you think starbucks is expensive? Not really
61. Are you named after a family member? No
62. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass or fail? Unfortunately, I would probably fail... miserably.
63. Wanting to tell someone something? I guess... but I wont.
64. Last restaurant you went to? Margherita Mamas
65. What is the weather like today? Hott!!!
66. What happened yesterday? Um...dont remember.
67. What would you do with five million dollars? Alllllllot of things. Save it mostly.
68. How many hours did you sleep last night? Like 3.
69. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Not...really.
70. Who's the last person that you felt was stalking you? Hahah.. I wont say. They are a nice person... just dont get it all yet. Thats being young for you...
71. Have you ever been on your school's track team? Yeh. Heh.
72. Have you cried today? No
73. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? I hope.
74. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call, but never do? Sometimes.
75. What did you dress up as for Halloween? Strawberry Shortcake/ The Babe.
*YEARS GONE BY SURVEY*
5 YEARS AGO- 2002:
1. How old were you? 19
2. Were you in school? Nope.
3. If so, where? What year were you in? Not in school, schmuck.
4. Who was your best friend? Michelle
5. Were you single or taken? Taken
6. If you were taken, who were you dating? Frankee
7. How long did that last? Why? Lasted a while. Why? Because we were in love, duh.
8. On a Friday where could you be found? At work, or at my house drinkin Soco, or at B's
9. Hobbies? Drinking, Dancing, Promotion shit.
10. Where did you work? No where you need to know about.
11. Where you happy with your life? Yeah, I would say that
12. Where did you live? Willowbrook
13. What was the best thing about that year of your life? Dont remember.
14. Given the chance would you change anything about that year of your life? Nope.
15. What was your greatest accomplishment at this age? Living on my own.
4 YEARS AGO- 2003:
1. Where did you go to school? What year were you in? I didnt hoebag
2. Who was your best friend? Mandi
3. Were you dating anyone? Yes
4. For how long and why did it end? A loong time.. it ended cause we grew apart. and we'd been through toooooooo much.
5. Did you have any hobbies? No good ones. heheheh.
6. Was this year better than the previous year? I guess.
7. Would you change anything about it if you could? Nope. Never.
8. Highlight of this year of your life? Hotelz were fun! ...Mandi.
9. Greatest accomplishment at this age? No new ones.
10. Were you still living at home? Fuck no.
11. Overall, were you happy with your life at this point? YESSS.
12. Biggest mistake made at this age: Thats something that only I need to know.
13. What kind of car did you have? Did you parents buy it for you? 2002 Honda Civic...nope.
14. Where did you work? Still Noneya Biz
15. Did you have an idea of what you wanted to do with your life? I had a few very stupid ideas.
3 YEARS AGO- 2004:
1. Who was your best friend? Amanda
2. Who were you dating? My Current BOO
3. Why did this relationship end? It didnt.
4. On on Friday night where could you be found? In front of Gabes.. with all our other friends.... or at work, or at the club!
5. Any hobbies? Clubbing, drinking, working out, promotions.
6. Was this year better than the year before? Yeah.
7. Where did you work? STILL Noneya
8. Were you still driving the same car? Yeah.
9. High point of the year? Dont remember.
10. Learn any life lessons this year? aLOT.
11. Where did you live? Westmont.
12. Any regrets at this age? A few.
13. Would you do it all over again, without changing a thing, if you could? No Id change a few things.
14. Would you go back in time to change something about your life at this age if you could? YES.
15. What was your age? 21
2 YEARS AGO- 2005:
1. How old were you? 22
2. Had you decided what you wanted to be when you 'grew up' ? Hahah. I thought I did.
3. Had you had a long term relationship? TWO
4. At this point in your life, had your heart ever been broken? Many, MANY times.
5. Who was your best friend? Lisa
6. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? How long did you date? Still are.
7. Had you thought about marriage and who you wanted to marry yet? Hahah. Thought about it... but still undecided as to WHOM. lol.
8. What year were you in in school? I wasnt, goddamnit shithead, get with it.
9. Were you happy with your life? yeah.
10. Was this year better than the preceding year? I could say that.
11. If you could not change a single thing, would you do it over again? YES
12. Anything unexpected happen during this year of your life? aLOT of things.
13. What was you biggest mistake made at this age? Dont ask me this again, same one as 19.
14. Where did you work? STILL Noneya hahaha
15. Had you been in love? YES TWICE
1 YEAR AGO- 2006:
1. How old were you? 23
2. Highlight of your year at this age? Hahah... I wouldnt say it was a highlight. Goddamn Tampa Police.
3. Who were you dating? Same person.
4. Were you done with school? Thank god yes.
5. Who were you dating? Uhm... you smokin some good shit arent you?
6. How long did you date this person & why did it end? It didnt end, fool.
7. HaD you figured your life out at this point? I dont think I ever will.
8. Were you happy? I guess.
9. Would you change anything if you could? YES! OMG YES.
10. Did you still have the same job as you did the year before? Yes. and the year before and before and so on.
11. Hobbies? Community Service. Lol.
12. Best friend? Gabe
13. Were you in love? YES!
14. Did you have a job or a career? Sort of. I guess you could make it a career. Lmao.
15. Still drive the same car as you did the year before? No I had the 05 Camry now.
THIS YEAR- 2007:
1. How old are you? uhm this is a year behind (and NO I didnt just realize that) but 24
2. Are you happy with your life as a whole? Yes, absolutely.
3. Are you single or taken? Taken.
4. How long have you been with your significant other? A while.
5. Biggest life lesson learned this year? Dont take anything for granted.
6. Do you know what you want to do with your life career wise? Nope...not yet.
7. Do you know who you want to marry? Dont want to marry.
8. Are you still in school? What kind of retard are you? NO!!!!
9. Do you still live with your parents? Bahahah uhm.. no.
10. Where do you work? VP...short for noneya. but not that kind of noneya...not like before.
11. Is this year better than the previous 5? Its...ok.
12. Have you 'found' yourself? Yeah, I would say so.
13. Highlight of your year? Freedom!!!!!!!!
14. Would you change anything about this year if you could? maybe ONE thing.
15. Rate you life right now on a scale of 1-10: 8
11:59 PM
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Thursday, July 03, 2008
There needs to be a group for survey addicts Current mood: optimistic
Odd Facts about ME
DO YOU SNORE?: Only when I'm drunk.
—————LOVER OR A FIGHTER?: A little of both, I hate confrontation, but I do get mad sometimes, Ill fight for what I want
—————WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?: Death, I keep thinking Im getting older and older... oh thats the OCD
—————AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?: Yeah... Now I just play the video games! Lol.
—————WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?: Loves it! The hills, Tila, ABDC, I love em all!
—————DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?: Not... really. Its kind of nasty.
—————WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?: Who wasnt?
—————HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?: I dont know, its been a while since I been, I cant remember the last time I was.
—————WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?: Black and silver.
—————DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?: No. I dont sing, unless Im in the car... and its really, really dark outside. So ppl dont think Im talking to myself
—————HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?: Yes. AWESOME I must say.
—————ANY SECRET TALENTS?: Not that I can write in a random survey...lol
—————WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?: Brazil, Puerto Rico
—————HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?: Alllll the time! I love the Hibachi Bar!!!
—————HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?: With Johnny Depp? IF not, nope.
—————DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?: Of course. But what can I do? Pfft.
—————HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?: Ask the owl. I would hope he knew by now.
—————CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?: yeah i guess, if i tried.
—————HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?: many many times! Not scary anymore! Yay!
—————ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?: hahahah. They can be. (David Beckham) I think theyre funny though
—————WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?: No!!!! Poor Bambi. People who like to hunt are fricken freaks.
—————IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?: Probably not. Why involve the government if you dont have to?
—————DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?: Sometimes, depends on how much Red bull Ive drank. After a few it starts looking like chicken scratch.
—————WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?: Febreze, used to be aleve, but the other day I took one out of desperation and nothing happened so... *coughs*
—————WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU": A few minutes ago... *bats eyelashes*
—————IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?: Hopefully. Maybe hell come back and bitch slap all these wannabes
—————DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?: Yes. I cry when I see them on TV. Im so soft!
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?: Well Done..I actually dont like eggs that much at all. But when I do eat them... I like them cooked and scrambled
—————ARE BLONDES DUMB?: They seem to be. Id rather be brunette lets just put it that way
—————WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?: I have no fucking idea. You let ME know when you find out.
—————WHAT TIME IS IT?: 10:00
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?: Rock$teady, Weavo.
—————IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?: No Im lovin it
—————WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?: Yesterday
—————DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?: Baths... candles, bubbles...mmm
—————IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?: I should hope so, I been good all year cause I really want an Ipod
—————ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?: YES!!! OMG YES
—————WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?: Cigarettes, Red Bull, MAC makeup, Star Magazine, Yankee Candles, and The Hills...
—————CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?: Creamy all the way!
—————HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?: Yes
—————HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?: Twice
—————IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?: Depends who's asking...*looks around*
—————ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?: No. Im flintstoning it
—————HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?: Yes. Once.. and its a realllllly long story
—————WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?: Hazel
—————WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: When I came back from Chicago this last time
—————DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?: Who wouldnt like my life?
—————WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?: well who are we comparing it to? I mean, like, paris hiltons life is better but how many people really live like her?
—————ARE YOU PSYCHIC?: I dont think so, although SOMETIMES, I have dreams and then they really happen like a year later. Its weird.
—————HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?: I think for school once.
—————DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?: Uhm, not really.
—————CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?: Hahhahah.
—————DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?: Yeah if your with the right people, and you have allllot of bug spray
—————DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?: once in a GREAT while
—————DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?: No
—————IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?: I should hope not, because then that man should really start re-evaluating his life choices
—————YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?: Why wouldnt I? If it doesnt work out, get the fuck out of there! Dont let the bitch take it all! Get a Pre-nup.
—————DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?: Yeah, I doubt she ever goes on it though.
—————WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?: Pizza Hut...mmmm breadsticks.
—————DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?: Allll the time. I just broke a nail today too, pretty bad. It bled. I almost passed the fuck out.
—————
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?: Yes. I like allot of people.
—————WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?: Free Credit Report Dot Com....BLEGHHHHHH and those gay ass weed (live above the influence) commercials
—————DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?: I used to. Not anymore.
—————FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?: Lil Wayne, I think hes hardly considered a 'band' though
—————
Long & Random. Check this out.
1. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Pistachio
2. Cable or Satellite? Satellite, but you have to have ON DEMAND
3. Favorite video game? Halo 3!!!!!!! I will kick your ASS!
4. Do you have to sleep with a fan on at night? Yes... Or else I will DIE
5. Your feelings on global warming? Were all gonna drown
6. Do you still have a VCR somewhere? Yeah I still have like 75 VHS's
7. Been on a sailboat? Yeah
8. Two of your best friends are fighting. Your reaction? Screw you guys, Im going home
9. Home Depot or Lowes? Home Depot
10. Beer or Hard Liquor? BEER! (unless a chocolate martini is involved)
11. Best movie you've seen recently? The Hulk
12. Would you walk across broken glass for $100? probably
13. Your feelings on dolphins? Sooo Cute!!!
14. Would you ever rob a bank? No, im too scary
15. Do you plan out your day before it begins? Sometimes, if Im excited about the next day.
16. What kind of digital camera do you have? Sony
17. Can you fall asleep with your eyes open? No, thats for freaks.
18. Winter or Summer? Summer! All the time.
19. Your ex's car breaks down and they ask you for a lift. Your response? Help them, Ex's are ppl too
20. Your feelings on Britney? Boo. You Whore. GO AWAY
21. Do you go to the gym regularly? Not recently. I did before though. UGH that doesnt count.
22. Ever play with model trains? No, im not a serial killer.
23. You've just bought a new house. What color will you paint the walls in the living room? Depends on the color of the carpet.
24. Best subject in school? English
25. What are your goals for this year? Tooo many to list
26. Do you spread false rumors about people just for the hell of it? No, cuz i hate when other people do it
27. Do you consider yourself religious? I believe. But Im not Hardcore
28. Internet Explorer or Firefox? IE
29. Ever play online poker? No, but I know someone who does, like 24/7
30. For real money? I just said no, schmuck
31. Describe the first house you lived in. Cant remember
32. Do you want to kick someone in the face right now? Yeah, my cat.
33. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball
34. You see someone running around naked in the street. Your reaction? Hahahah. Schmuck. Point and laugh. Hahahah.
35. How much syrup do you put on your waffles and/or pancakes for breakfast? aLOT
36. Favorite junk food? Flaming hot fries
37. Bottled water. Yes or no? Yes. Definately
38. Do you have a lot of candles in your room? YES I love Yankee Candles
39. Are the files in your computer well organized or all over the place? Well organized
40. Are there dogs barking in your neighborhood right now? No but fireworks are going off
41. Where would you most like to be right now? Miami
42. Do you own a sleeping bag? Not anymore
43. UFC. Entertaining or stupid? Entertaining
44. Favorite reality show? The Hills
45. What was the first CD you ever bought? One of those NOW Cds probably
46. Are all infomercials completely pointless? Im gullible, so no. But I wish they would stop being so damn convincing!
47. Who are you voting for in 2008? Obama, *body chill* since they left no other choice
48. If money was no object, what car would you drive? Bugatti Veyron
49. Last 5 played songs in your Itunes playlist? Overdose, Truth Trust, Foolish, Toy Soldiers, and Got it Twisted
50. Was this survey random enough for you? Not really. It was sort of GAY.
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