Fake ass Friends

Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Fake Ass Friends
I been thinking alot as of late. Thinking about decisions Ive made and where they've taken me. Thinking about people I know I now and the ones I left behind. Thinking about how much Ive changed and how Ive forgotten [lost] myself in the midst of everything. Its amazing how one event can trigger such strong emotion and regret, such happiness and sadness, all at the same time. Its crazy how the mind can 'trick' you and strategically 'forget' the things that make you tick. Next thing you know youre just another mindless automaton wandering aimlessly through the days. Confused about who you are and why youre here.. trying to fix the past.. so you can regain what once was.
When I was younger, all I did was dream of a way OUT. Now that Im older, all I can hope for is a way back IN. I thought that moving to Florida and starting fresh in a place where nobody knew me from Adam would change me. I thought it would give me a new beginning. I thought that I could run from everything and forget it ever happened. I thought the mistakes that I made would disappear, I thought I could create something new that was purer, more free, from my tainted life back home.
Now I realize Ive spent the last three years trying to replace what I left behind.
It will never be the same. I came here with my pipe dreams of sunny days and truer people. I came here thinking I could change it all. All I got was hard grass, dead palm trees, white trash crackheads, and fake ass friends. When I was driving here, I thought that Florida was like a constant episode of The Brady Bunch. Actually, I dont know what the fuck I thought, to be honest. I just wanted to get away. Now I just want to get what I had BACK. I miss my friends, I miss the way they knew me. The way I could truly be myself without worrying about perception of others translating into a constant reality. I miss my BOYS, I miss my girls, I miss my CAR. Lol. I miss the trust I had with people, I miss the crazy things we did. I miss my fam. It disturbs me how distant we've become. Superficial conversations and cold gifts on holidays just make my observations that much more of a reality. I wonder if Ive made a huge, huge, HUGE mistake. So huge its not fixable. I miss not being scared to walk down my streets, I miss REAL smiles. I hate these smokescreen glances I throw to make an appearance. I miss TRUE friends. Im so sick of these flighty two faced pieces of shit Florida seems to have a neverending supply of. I miss the MONEY. Sucks when you grow up with everything youve ever wanted and you get it all taken away because you want a change. What a reality check I had when I came out here and found out I actually had to PAY for something on my own. I appreciated nothing. I miss the MUSIC. I miss the CLUBS. Miami is the only place that comes close in this dump. I miss feeling warm and comfortable everywhere I went, instead of cold and unknown. Ugghh. Starting over isnt all its cracked up to be. All I did was move out here with a chance to make it all different and I just keep trying to recreate the same. What a damn shame.
Seriously..What a motherfucking shame.
Sorry, just venting.
Rock$teady.