To The Police Who Protect and Serve

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service:



Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Pasco police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Pasco by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.


As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them teens) on my road just about 3 houses away. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout my entire home. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.


The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of trash and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the garbage cans. One of them has found a saw and is going to town on a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the gallon of gasoline that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating my kitchen.



What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably a night when I just want to rest) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.



I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.



I remain sir, your obedient servant
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Ma'am -



I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by teenagers playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Watch Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.



Regards-


#387


Community Watch Officer
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Dear #387



First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Pasco Police Department and rest assured that I will forward these details to McGruff (the crime fighting dog) for inclusion in his next book.



Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community watch officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the 3 or so years I have lived in Pasco, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a hand washing station? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by Lara Croft.



Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Pasco such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these *twats* (For lack of a better word) that they might want to play their strange Soccer game elsewhere?



Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on my cell. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, keep trying, as I do for you.



My Regards-


Jess