My Manifesto

I never realized how much fun writing a manifesto could be. So here goes:



I will fight to legalize Marijuana. An estimated 80 million Americans over the age of 12 have smoked pot at least once. That should translate to somewhere around 40 million votes.

I will come out in favor of legalizing prostitution. I will offer federal funds to for any state that wants to build a government-regulated whorehouse. I don't know exactly how many hookers there are in America, but I know the majority of them are in densely populated areas that hold higher numbers of electoral votes.

I will eliminate all federal income taxes for anyone making less than 100 grand per year. I estimate that will get me somewhere around 90 million votes.

I will deport all the illegal aliens. I will fill all the jobs they perform that everyone says no one else wants with prison labor. Of course the prison population will be considerably lower, because I will pardon everyone convicted of non-violent drug offenses. This will secure the closet racist vote.

I will put the people at Google in charge of all government websites. I don't think this will get me very many more votes, but at least the government websites will finally make some Goddamn sense.

I will make executions accessible on pay-per-view. (The first person to be executed during my reign of terror will be Queen Latifa. Seriously, how much crap can be involved with before someone realizes that she has no talent?) The proceeds from these executions will all go to fund public schools, because children are our future.





I will make it illegal for the states to require drivers to carry auto insurance. Auto insurance is a horrendous scam, and needs to be stopped. You pay these bastards hundreds of thousands of dollars over your lifetime, and as soon as you try to make a claim they raise your rates or cancel your policy. And why is auto insurance required by law, but health insurance isn't?

I will give everyone the option of wiping their credit record clean when they turn 30. If Citibank doesn't like it, they shouldn't lend money to kids just out of high school that have no idea what they are getting themselves into. I will also create an agency to combat all the other predatory lending practices utilized by all the major credit card companies.

I will make it illegal for any network to air more than 2 hours of reality TV per day. I will also make it illegal for any cable network to air more than 2 hours of shows involving lists of any type. I realize this will probably but VH1 out of business, but I don't care. I'm sick and tired of seeing shows with titles like "The 2037 Funniest Cookie Jar Related Moments of the 90s." I'm also sick of seeing the same 10 to 15 almost celebrities talking about stupid shit for 16 hours at a time.

I will make Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh battle each other to the death inside an authentic replica of Thunderdome. Of course that will happen during the fourth year of my presidency, because the first three years will be spent waiting for a special federally funded research facility to come up with bungee cords strong enough to support that kind of weight.

With these issues as the basis of my campaign I'm sure to win.