My Stalker (True Love)

Dear Stalker-



Although you and I have not met (to my knowledge), our relationship seems to have blossomed over the past few days. Not only have you graduated from months of calling private and not saying anything, to actually belching into the phone, but I think I have figured you to be female from gauging the force used and frequency in which you can. Not that there are 'girly burps' or 'manly burps' but from the high pitch of yours, I think I can surmise that you are not a man. I apologise in advance if you are gay.



The frequency and duration of our 'encounters' has increased too. You will sit on the phone with me for ten minutes now, just listening intently..or if I hang up on you, you will call back incessantly. I cannot describe how many times you've interrupted me whilst getting pile-driven by my man, or when I'm trying to do something important and because of you, I lose my train of thought. I just wonder what your purpose may be, or what I have ever done for you to warrant me such attention. You must really like me, Stalker. Even when I curse your mother and tell you to commit suicide yourself, you insist on calling back. Why wont you meet me, Stalker? It would be easier for you to keep tabs on me if you knew where I was. You definitely aren't a professional at this.



Alas, I can only hope that one day we can meet face to face, or that you will finally take the initiative to say something into the phone, I'd like to pick your brain. Don't be afraid, Stalker. I have grown somewhat of an affinity for you over the past few months. In fact, if I don't hear from you all day, I often wonder whether something is wrong. Did you forget to pay your phone bill? Or do you have a stalker yourself and that led to your untimely demise? I certainly hope it's not the latter.



Oh dearest Stalker, I hold our breathing sessions near to my heart. I am forever grateful for your attention and *love* that the impact I've impressed on your life has made you unable to speak in my presence, or even over the phone. I am extremely flattered. You've almost crossed the threshold over to full blown pathetic. Keep it up.




All of my Love-
Jess